Why do we stay silent when our partners treat us badly?
Hi loves, Louise here, founder of OPENHOUSE.
Something I really want to talk about today is the element of ‘silence’ on the darker side of what we experience in our relationship. Last week, someone close to me referenced that his girlfriend had been physical with him in his previous relationship, and this, for me, was quite an amazing moment for someone to share something so vulnerable with me.
When things go wrong in a relationship, or we are letting bad and out of bounds behaviour slide, we often go quiet. I am coming to this discussion with many years of experience letting an ex-ex-ex boyfriend spend years being mentally, physically and emotionally abusive to me. I made excuse, after excuse, after excuse for his behaviour, to myself, and to those around me, and I never ever told them the truth of what was going on.
I wanted to ask Dr Tari Mack, clinical psychologist and relationship expert, why we do these things - why we keep things quiet, silenced and shamed, in the dark, when really we should be reaching out for a lifeline.
Here is what she had to say.
‘A great question and one I see coming up in practice so much. I think one of the biggest reasons we are not honest about what is happening in a relationship is definitely denial. We will, for a while, stay in a part of the relationship that thinks to ourselves ‘this is love’ or can’t even think about the relationship ending because we could not bear to lose them, couldn’t bear being on our own, or think this person is the ‘one’. Alternatively, we might have fallen in love with a version of them that is their POTENTIAL, the person who shows up in the good moments, rather than the real person we are standing right in front of.
When this happens, and we can’t bear to consider the relationship ending, we move into a mode where we feel like we can save them, we can love them better, or we can excuse their bad behaviour instead of having to race up to it.
We make excuses for it internally and we don’t share the truth of what is happening with those around us because, ultimately, if we were honest about what was happening, we would have to face up to the truth - so we proceed with some level of cognitive dissonance around the whole situation.
What that means is that one part of us knows that we don’t want to accept this behaviour, that we don’t want to live like that, that we deserve better - and the other part is like - but I just don’t want to leave, I don’t want to be without this person. At this point, we go into denial, we make excuses and we keep quiet.
There is also likely to be a level of embarrassment too, around the situation, and what we are accepting - because I think there are only a very small number of people in this world who would truly think that they are worthy of this type of behaviour. We know that if we let our friends and family know the ways that this person is speaking to us, treating us, controlling us, disrespecting our boundaries, guilting us, and blaming us - they would not be supportive of this relationship and they would make us leave the relationship, making it very difficult for us to stay in it.
For many of us, we aren’t ready to leave.
For those people, it will ultimately continue until they come to a point where they realise they don’t want to tolerate this type of behaviour or relationship anymore - and the sooner that that point comes, the better - otherwise they will spend a lifetime accepting a love so much less than they are worthy of.
Recommended Podcast Episodes
Did this resonate? Check out the below-recommended podcast episodes to hear more from Dr Tari Mack and Louise Rumball.
Couple goals or codependency?
Episode 12: Hailey & Justin Bieber - couple goals or codependency? Are you his lover or his mother? - In this episode, we dive into Hailey & Justin Bieber and explore the fine line between couple goals and codependency and how to know when it might be a problem in your relationship.
Linked on Apple here and Spotify here
Louise’s experience of being in a toxic relationship
Episode 13: I don't judge Justin or Hailey Bieber - I've been on both sides of a toxic relationship - In this solo episode, Louise discusses her own personal experience being on both sides of a toxic relationship - both like Justin, becoming reliant on the excessive love, care and support of another - as well as being Hailey, trying to care for someone troubled, often erratic and volatile.
Linked on Apple here and Spotify here
Follow Louise on Instagram here
Follow Dr Tari on Instagram here
Follow OPENHOUSE on Instagram here
