Understanding the Fight, F**k & Fawn Cycle
Hey friends, Louise here, today sharing with you a couple of thoughts on the ‘fight, f**k and fawn cycle’ (excuse the crudeness) but I self-named this cycle and I absolutely LOVE it.
Understanding this cycle has been a critical part of me starting to learn that these traits that I thought were part of a ‘passionate’ relationship in my 20s were actually part of a ‘toxic’ relationship and that I was condoning bad and out of bounds behaviour that I really should not have been.
What is the fight, f**k and fawn cycle?
Good question, catchy, isn’t it?
The fight, f**k and fawn cycle goes like this.
You fight. The perpetrator does something wrong (often out of bounds behaviour).
You make up. Often physically if you are in a very sexually charged relationship. This is the f**k, if you didn’t gather.
The perpetrator then fawns over you. What this means is that they will love bomb you, profusely apologise, shower you with words, affection, apologies and gifts, all to get you to accept their apology, and reset the cycle back to ground zero.
And reset the cycle, it does, but just for a little bit - because once you have accepted their apology, and ultimately, accepted their behaviour, it will happen again.
By engaging in the fight, fuck and fawn cycle, you have accepted and tolerated their out of bounds behaviour.
If you are in a relationship where this keeps happening on repeat, and someone keeps making promises time and time again, yet the cycle keeps repeating there is one thing you need to know here.
You cannot break that person’s cycle, behaviour and habits - they have to break these for themselves.
Recognising this fight, f**k and fawn cycle is critical because once you recognise the behaviours that you are engaging in, you have bought self-awareness to the table.
Once you have bought self-awareness to the table, you can ask, either why am I acting like this (if you are the perpetrator), or, why am I accepting behaviour like this (if you are on the receiving end?)
More often than not, if you are accepting this behaviour, it is as a result of your own unconscious attraction - you have fallen in love with the potential of the person, you are attracted to chaotic and erratic relationships, you get a chemical kick out of the drama and perhaps grew up in an environment where this was normalised to you (the raising of the voices, the opinionated gesticulation). On the flip side, you (consciously or subconsciously) may not think that you are worthy of the consistent, caring, healthy and nourishing love and affection that comes with a more secure and stable relationship.
Either way, self-awareness is the first thing needed to reflect on this cycle and then, ultimately, break this cycle. And from that moment on, it will take a sustained and ongoing commitment from the perpetrator to break their own cycles. Therapy will be critically important here.
And if the person can’t commit to doing this and wanting to break their own cycles for both you, and themselves?
Then the cycle will never break.
It is as simple, and clear, as that.
With love,
Louise x
Recommended Podcast Episodes
Did this resonate? Check out the below-recommended podcast episodes to hear more from Dr Tari Mack and Louise Rumball.
Out of Bounds Behaviour
Episode 16: Gigi & Zayn ‘Out of Bounds Behaviour’ - Interested in more information on out of bounds behaviour, how to tolerate it in the early dating stages, long term relationships and the more serious relationships when you feel there is no way out? Head over to Episode 16 of the OPENHOUSE Podcast, discussing all things Gigi and Zayn and ‘Out of Bounds Behaviour’.
Linked on Apple here and Spotify here
Unconscious Attraction & Why we accept Bad Behaviour
Episode 11: Khloe Kardashian, Tristan Thompson and ‘Unconscious Attraction’ - Interested in more information on what unconscious attraction is, why we accept bad behaviour and what we can do to break our own cycles? Head over to Episode 11 of the OPENHOUSE Podcast, discussing all things Khloe Kardashian, Tristan Thompson and ‘Unconscious Attraction’
Linked on Apple here and Spotify here
Follow Louise on Instagram here
Follow Dr Tari on Instagram here
Follow OPENHOUSE on Instagram here
