What is an Avoidant Attachment Style and how to heal it
Ever dated an avoidant man or woman? They disappear when conflict starts or a conversation heats up? You feel like you get close to them, but never quite fully there into the centre of their heart? Maybe you are avoidantly attached yourself and other people feel ‘too needy, too much’, or that being independent and alone is safer and less hectic. Maybe you don't see the point in talking about your feelings, don't like to depend on others for help, think relationships are a lot of work or just prefer 'being mysterious?' Episodes 41 of the OPENHOUSE Podcast (here on Apple and here on Spotify) discussed all of this and more. But what does it really mean to have an avoidant attachment style? I asked the head therapist at OPENHOUSE, Dr Tari Mack, Clinical Psychologist and Celebrity Relationship Expert, for her views - because everyone deserves access to a therapist!
Now, before we get going, if you aren’t familiar with attachment styles, you should look into this. They are ways that we learn to experience and expect love as a kid which we then repeat into adulthood. There are four attachment strategies adults can adopt when it comes to relationships: secure, avoidant, anxious, and anxious-avoidant (also known as disorganised avoidant). This blog post will explore the avoidant attachment style, and what this means if you are in a relationship with someone who is avoidant, or you have an avoidant attachment style yourself.
What is Avoidant Attachment?
Someone with an avoidant attachment style hates the thought of commitment and it makes them feel uncomfortable. They often prioritise their own independence over their relationship, and often go quiet, don’t text back, then reappear (as one of many examples). For people with avoidant attachment styles, they don’t like to depend on anyone. They are not good with expressing their emotions and often they are more likely to connect with you intellectually or over shared interests than emotionally (or excessively physically). They might be aloof, hard to pin down and often not able to hold space for you when you need them emotionally as it makes them feel uncomfortable.
How Does an Avoidant Attachment Form?
Dr Tari Mack, Clinical Psychologist, explains ”the avoidant attachment style is an attachment that develops because, in childhood, a child's needs were not met. Their emotional needs were not responded to. The child learns to suppress all of their needs and feelings. They may have also been criticised or shamed for expressing needs and feelings, and learned that it's too dangerous to put them out there. They learned not to depend on anyone. What this means is that, maybe they cried and their parents weren’t there to help them. Maybe they were always busy. Maybe they weren’t good with their emotions themselves. What’s important to know is that it's a pattern of this over time. It’s not a one-off situation or experience where the carer can’t or didn’t meet the child's needs. In order for an avoidant attachment style to develop, this is a pattern of behaviour experienced by the child. They grow into adults who feel there is no point in communicating their needs or feel highly uncomfortable doing that, so they tend to be more self-sufficient.”
Essentially, an avoidant attachment style is a defence mechanism - we form the belief that we can’t ever rely on others, so we’re better off alone.
Do I have an avoidant attachment style?
Human development is a complex topic, and everyone is different, but some of the below can be a sign of an avoidant personality or attachment style.
Are not very lovey dovey of affectionate;
Do not open up or show their emotions a lot, or easily;
Feel like they keep you at a distant;
May want to talk about the relationship, where it has been or where it is going, less than you;
Have a similar relationship with their family;
May blame their partner for needing too much, or being clingy or ‘high maintenance’;
Doesn’t ask for a lot of emotional support;
Seem independent and like a lot of their own time;
Either act like they are unphased by conflict, or just leave before it happens;
Will often go quiet for hours or days at a time, particularly after conflict;
Tend to dismiss 'needs' in a relationship;
Tend to focus on flaws as a way to maintain emotional distance;
Often can see reasons why a relationship shouldn’t or won’t go the distance;
Find it a lot easier to switch off from break ups
Avoidant Attachment in Relationships
So how does this manifest itself in relationships? People with avoidant attachment may decide to avoid relationships altogether, or keep anyone they meet at a distance, never allowing them to get too close. They may get scared a new partner will leave them so they get in there first, often sabotaging their new relationships. Or, if you are someone with an avoidant attachment style, or dating someone who has one, you might feel that you are ok to let someone in but never let them ALL the way in.
The Anxious Avoidant Cycle
Why do I always pick to date people who are avoidantly attached
If this is you, you are not alone. People with an avoidant attachment style often go on to attract those with an anxious attachment style, leading to the anxious avoidant cycle. What this means is that the anxiously attached person, and the avoidant person, often find themselves in a relationship that can cause them a lot of drama.
Dr Tari explains “In this cycle, the anxiously attached person is always seeking connection, always seeking reassurance and intimacy or what they feel is true intimacy. The avoidant is the opposite. They're always going away from intimacy, they don't wanna get close. The anxious is always pursuing, the avoidant is avoiding. That blows up. There's a conflict. Sometimes the anxious lash out or get highly emotional and the anxiously attached person looks unstable because they're overwhelmed. They're flooded. Their anxiety is high. They say things they don't mean, they do protest behaviours - whereas an avoidant would never go through outbursts like this as they like to shut down and retreat. It is more comfortable for them and the anxious person's behaviour can get super overwhelming.
After something like this, an avoidantly attached person remembers all the negatives and they want space. They need to get away and they actually enjoy that. The cycle works for them because the conflict then allows them to have that space that they need. However, the anxiously attached person starts to remember all the good things - they overlook the toxicity of this cycle and they want to reconnect. This may take a while, because the avoidant person needs time. If they reconnect, it won’t be long until the cycle starts again, because there is an underlying issue of the seeking and avoiding of intimacy.”
If you’re stuck going round and round in this cycle, you’re probably replaying an old pattern template role from childhood. One of your parents or caregivers was probably avoidant, not available, not able to show up for you and to meet your needs. But you are worthy of a love that is healthy.
How to break the anxious / avoidant trap
Dr Tari has these words of wisdom for those stuck in this cycle.
“If you have an anxious attachment style, there are two things you need to know here. 1. You need to work on your own attachment style, and 2. You need to leave this relationship. You may not feel ready to do that, but this is not love. This is not a healthy relationship (particularly if the avoidant person is not working on their attachment style too) and it may be all that you've known, but it can be totally different, but you have to understand how it can be different before you'll even do the work. And if you don't, know that you're just gonna stick around and keep tolerating the same dynamic and it's painful. It's a painful way to live.”
There is a way for you to do things differently. And not only that you can do things differently, you deserve to be with someone that can do things differently, or if you are anxiously attached or if you are avoidantly attached, that you deserve to be able to break through these beliefs that you have. You don’t have to run away forever from intimacy.
How to communicate with someone with an avoidant attachment style
I asked Dr Tari how she would look to start a conversation with someone who has an avoidant attachment style, particularly when this feels overwhelming if they hate emotion or conflict. She said: “If you are in a relationship with someone who is avoidant, and want to have a conversation about it without it being deeply triggering, you could say you listened to this amazing podcast, and you think you have this dynamic going on. You could say “do you feel like you will ever want to be really deeply connected to me and just see what they say, but you can also say I'm tired of this dynamic. I want something different. And do you want something different? Do you feel like you're capable of something different? Cause I'm willing to work on myself. If you're willing to work on yourself””
For me, I love having this as an open dialogue and exploring it together. I like to make it into a couple’s activity to go and do your attachment styles together and discover whether you or your partner are actually avoidant? Or are you actually just really bad at communication? Once you know, you’ll know whether you need to work on your communication rather than on your attachment.
Whether you are the avoid attached or you are in a relationship with the avoid attached, you know, this is just part of life, just like in the anxious attachment series where we said this was formed long before you or your partner were consciously aware of it. The responsibility we have as adults is to navigate this to basically lead to deeper emotional, intimacy, freedom, and life changing relationships, because really the most beautiful thing in life is being truly deeply seen and connected with another human being.
And if you’re someone with an avoidant attachment style that wants to work on it?
Amazing -this is a great sign of self awareness and is the work required to experience a truly deep and loving relationship. Reach out to a coach, or therapist, or listen to our Podcast for more guidance.
