What is the Disorganised Attachment Style and how to manage it?
The disorganised attachment style is often overlooked - with more people talking about the anxious, or the avoidant - but if you think that you are both ‘fearful and avoidant’ and you don’t fit into the other categories, then this article is for you. I asked Dr Tari Mack (www.drtarimack.com), clinical psychologist & relationship expert and head therapist at OPENHOUSE her thoughts on the disorganized attachment style and how you can work with it to commit towards moving into deeply nourishing, safe and healthy relationships, even when this feels impossible. So…
What is a disorganised attachment style?
Dr Tari Mack says that “It’s a complex mixture of attachment styles, whereby people can swing from anxious to avoidant and everywhere in between, usually numbing childhood trauma of some kind but most of all, because they fear intimacy.
The disorganised attachment style is also called the fearful avoidant attachment style and people with disorganised attachment style have often experienced abuse in their first three to four years of life. This means that something happened in the household that was impactful enough to really teach the child that they didn’t feel cared for. That isn't always the case (and it isn’t always physical abuse - often neglect is enough to spring this attachment style into action), but disorganised attachment comes from inconsistent responses from our caregivers on a more extreme level than the anxious or avoidant attachment style. Often those with a disorganised attachment don’t feel that they are worthy of love so they push it away at all costs. They are unlikely to feel comfortable in a stable relationship, because it feels so foreign to them - but, at the same time, this attachment style wants to be loved, making it a complex situation for them to be in. Often, they may start on the journey towards love and intimacy and then bolt because they have trouble believing they are worthy of being loved or they don’t believe that that person will stick around or that the relationship will work out”
Dr Tari Mack, Clinical Psychologist and Head Therapist at OPENHOUSE goes on to explain “Sometimes our caregivers could be responsive or they could be withdrawn or withholding, or they could be abusive and belittling and critical and scary. And so essentially people with disorganised attachment get triggered by distance. When their partner is distant, they feel lonely. They want connection, but they also get triggered by closeness. So when a partner comes close to them, they get scared because in their experience in childhood relationships hurt - people that are supposed to be safe hurt them.
So that's why it's called the fearful avoidant. This whole attachment style is run by fear and it's a fear of emotional intimacy and closeness and a fear of abandonment, and distance. It is confusing - people with this attachment style are confused and people who date this attachment style are confused as well.
Signs of the Disorganized Attachment Style
Uncomfortable with close intimate relationships but still desire them
Often hold negative views about their self and inability to belief they are deeply truly worthy of love and commitment
Do not view them as being worthy of their partner’s intentions (think that they may be lying)
Likely to self sabotage or ruin relationships before things get too deeply intertwined
Frequently suppress or deny their feelings and/or the feelings in the relationship - and struggle to believe the words of their partner
Find relationships incredibly confusing
Feel like people always let the, down
Sometimes may be afraid of their partner - or may gravitate towards people with abusive, manipulative or narcissistic tendencies who are unpredictable
Sometimes mentally checkout, numb or disconnect from the relationship
What are the triggers for someone with a Disorganised Attachment?
With a disorganised attachment there is a push-pull dynamic and they can be triggered by anything that feels like someone either pulling away or coming closer.
Dr Tari Mack explains that “people with disorganised attachment may be triggered by things that some of us won’t understand. It may be a moment of high emotion or neediness, or touchiness, like clinging, that triggers someone. It could also be that emotional closeness where they open up to you or they feel so close to you and that's going to send them into fear mode as well.
Also people with disorganised attachment have problems with self-regulation. They have problems communicating and asking for what they need, so they often act out as well. They push people away and then they wanna get them back. They draw them close, they push them away. They try to get them back”.
Other triggers might involve:
Inconsistent behaviour, a distant or distracted or non-engaged partner or a partner who forgets key events (the anxious part of their attachment style); and
A partner wanting to get too emotionally close, too quickly, or too intensely. Having to depend on others or being told they need to commit more, or quicker (the avoidant part of their attachment style).
And one of the deepest triggers? Any sort of behaviour that resembles the behaviour from their caregiver that developed this attachment style in the first place. For example, abusive behaviour can be deeply upsetting and can either deeply traumatize or re-traumatize the individual - or they can feel that it is a self proving point - that they are worthy of being treated this way, just as their parent or parents did.
Dating someone with a Disorganised Attachment
It can be confusing for people that are dating someone with disorganised attachment, because the person with disorganised attachment - before they start the healing work - is very confused. They do not understand why they're getting triggered so often by things that maybe securely attached or even anxious or avoidant attached people wouldn't get triggered by. They get triggered by everything around the spectrum, the closeness and the distance.
Dr Tari says “I think if you are in a relationship with somebody who has a disorganised attachment, patience is going to be the key. That doesn't mean that everything stays stagnant and you're in this constant push and pull in the relationship. Again, your partner needs to be aware of that and be working on it somehow. But you're going to need a lot of patience.
There's going to have to be a lot of trust built over time. And that's okay. I think for people who are anxiously attached, we have these beliefs that if everything happens quickly, then we're safe, but that doesn't really work out like that. It's that slow burn, that slow foundation, a friendship built over time, shared experiences together, witnessing how somebody responds to us in all different kinds of circumstances - that’s where real trust and friendship is built.”
I want to again make the point that no matter what attachment style you have, it's not your fault. I'm not saying anybody is unlovable, but our attachment styles are one way that we often block love without meaning to, and make it difficult for other people to love us.
Whatever your attachment style is, unless you're one of those amazing securely attached people who also exist, love yourself enough to look into it and start doing some of that healing so that you can have access to the love that is all around you. There are safe people who want to love you, and you want to learn how to let that in and not keep it out. It just takes one person. If you or your partner are struggling with disorganised attachment, please know that it's being driven by something deeper, and therapy can help you on your healing journey.
