How to tell your partner you have an anxious attachment style
Hey friends,
Welcome to our Anxious Attachment Series- Part 4
Louise here. Founder of OPENHOUSE.
I’ve done an insane amount of research into the anxious attachment style on google, TikTok and through my own therapy sessions. Episodes 38. 39 and 40 of the OPENHOUSE Podcast went viral talking about how to live with, and heal, from an anxious attachment style. If you are interested in what we are talking about here, head over to the OPENHOUSE Podcast on Spotify and Apple for more.
Today, I’m sharing a script with you that I wrote and that I wish someone had given me sooner.
This is how to share with someone else that you have an anxious attachment style - particularly for people who don’t understand what it is, or what it feels like to live with it.
You can pick and choose which parts of this are relevant to you. I really hope that it helps you!I wanted to share with you a little about my anxious attachment style. It was formed by the age of 2 years old, so it is something outside of my control, but our attachment style impacts how we show up in the world as adults and also how I show up in adult relationships. I am anxiously attached - and 1 in 5 people in the world are, so it’s fairly common - I just don’t think many people talk about it. I’ve decided that it’s just a normal part of who I am. It was something that I didn’t choose, it was outside of my control, and now I am bringing awareness to it, it is something that I am working on to bring it into a healthy part of my being.
Ready for the script? Let’s get into it.
"I would like to talk to you about my attachment style and how I think it might be interacting with how I show up in this relationship. If you were open to having that discussion with me, I think it would really help you understand me better and help us to work together to build an even healthier and more amazing partnership.
My attachment style is something that developed way before I was consciously aware of it. It’s defined by the way that our parents attuned to our emotional needs when were were babies - so if we cried, how they reacted and responded. This shaped our nervous systems and the way that we show up in the world today, particularly in romantic relationships.
I have an anxious attachment style. There are 4 types. Secure, avoidant, attachment and one which is a hybrid of all of them. When I found out about my anxious attachment style, lots of things started to make sense, so I started to look into it.
An anxious attachment style is actually driven by a fear - usually a fear of of abandonment & isolation, but it can be other things like a fear of ‘being too much’, or ‘not being enough’. Sometimes I don’t even know what the fear is, I know it just doesn’t always feel good.
My anxious attachment style is driven by a deep need for security - and this is something that I probably didn’t get consistently in the first 2 years of my life when these attachment styles develop. It developed from a pattern of inconsistent emotional caregiving in my childhood and as an adult, I love intimacy as a way for me to quieten my fears.
Most of the time I feel like I really want to be close to you, but I'm not sure you want to be emotionally close to me, or as close as I do with you. My need for closeness and intimacy never seems satisfied and sometimes I’m left wondering if your partner really wants to be with you. It’s exhausting, honestly!
For me, having an anxious attachment style means it feels good to be in contact with you all the time because it alleviates my fears that things are bad between us or that you’re going anywhere. I’m learning that that is not a healthy solution to a healthy partnership or relationship but I’m working on it!
The truth is, I only ever feel as safe as our last interaction together - so if it’s good, I feel good about you, about us and about our future. If we have a great day, a great date, or a great moment together - I feel great about you and me - but if it’s bad, or tense, then sometimes I worry how you feel about me, or us, and whether you have changed your mind. I get this horrible dread in the pit of my stomach and my chest gets super tight. I feel anxious and it doesn’t feel good.
Because of this, and when things feel bad, I consciously, or subconsciously, need constant reassurance of your love and commitment and you feel about me and our relationship. I’ve been told I’m needy in the past, or high maintenance - but really it’s just the fear lodged in my body that something bad might happen, and I try to solve it before it’s too late by bringing us closer.
When things get really bad with my anxious attachment, I might find ways to test or manipulate you to see if you really loves me. I know this is not healthy and, again, it’s something that I’m working on.
When these fears kick in, and when our connection gets threatened, or something happens that my anxious attachment style picks up on, my nervous system gets activated when and my natural response is to pull you closer to me to calm myself. This is called co regulation and right now, I’m not great at calming myself - but it’s something that I’m working on.
This drive to co-regulate with you to calm my anxious attachment style is why often I feel better when we speak, or when you call me, cuddle me, touch me. Etc. I’m aware that this safety needs to come from within myself, otherwise we could risk moving into the territory of where I rely on you totally to make me feel good - and I know that’s not the foundation of a healthy relationship. I am working on it.
Sometimes, having all of this going on in my head, this means that I can feel preoccupied with our relationship, focusing on small moments that make me feel like there might be a problem - and waiting for you to co regulate with me.
Living with an anxious attachment style is a lot. I know it’s not your job to fix me, or to constantly make me feel good, so I am working on finding that security in myself and trusting in the conscious partnership we are building together.
It’s not all bad though - and I’m not saying any of this to scare you. A lot of these raw emotions might seem overwhelming, but the truth is, most of the time I’m great - and the more work I do on myself, the even better I am getting at managing this.
The truth is that being anxiously attached also has some really beautiful elements too that I bring to the relationship. As well as all of my great personality traits (which have nothing to do with my attachment style), being anxiously attached means I’m really highly attuned to my partner’s needs - ie YOU, so I’m always going to be aware of when something isn’t good with you. I also devote myself to relationships fully, really care about how you feel, am willing to put a lot of work into my relationships and really want to build you up to feel good about yourselves. Because I’m aware of my own feelings, I’m also aware of yours and I think this makes me a great, kind, empathetic partner
I’m sure you have questions about this, and we don’t need to go through it now, but if you want to spend some time thinking about it and then if you want to chat again, I’m really happy to do that. Like I said, I just want to remind you that this is my own work that I’m doing, I don’t need anything major from you other than perhaps being nice and consistent with your communication. It means a lot to me.
I also appreciate the space you have held for me to have this discussion with you and the time you have taken to listen to me talk about this. It’s a big part of who I am and that means a lot. If you ever want to talk about your attachment style, I’m all ears for us to discuss it - and maybe we could even do one of the attachment style questionnaires that I found on google together!”
I hope you guys have found this helpful! I know that I wish I had found this resource sooner.
Love Louise x
You just read Part 4 of the OPENHOUSE Anxious Attachment Series.
Want more help on your anxious attachment style?
For PART 1 of the Anxious Attachment Blog Series, we discussed what is an anxious attachment style, how does it develop and what are the foundations that you need to understand in terms of starting to work through it. Head here for that article.
For Part 2 of the Anxious Attachment Blog Series, head HERE where we discuss anxious attachment style triggers so you can understand what triggers your anxious attachment style.
To read Part 3 of the Anxious Attachment Blog Series, head HERE where we discuss whether you should communicate this to someone you are dating, or to your partner, as well as how soon into a relationship or dating experience to do this.
Interested in the OPENHOUSE Podcast and want to go deeper with Dr Tari Mack and Louise Rumball on your daily healing girl walk?
You can find Episode 38 HERE HTTPS://WWW.THISISOPENHOUSE.COM/PODCAST/ANXIOUS-ATTACHMENT-STYLE and
Episode 39 HERE HTTPS://WWW.THISISOPENHOUSE.COM/PODCAST/ANXIOUS-ATTACHMENT-STYLE-PART-2
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