What Does It Mean to Be ‘Fraysexual’?
Most people are familiar with the concept of needing to know, feel safe, or be emotionally connected to another in order to develop a fulfilling sexual connection (this is known as being demisexual or, demisexuality), but fraysexual is the opposite. It's an orientation for those who are more sexually attracted to people they have just met, rather than people they have built an emotional connection with.
With fraysexuality, the initial sexual attraction is likely to reduce as they get to know someone emotionally. What this means in practice is that this person will experience sexual attraction to people they don't know at all, or don't know well - and this sexual attraction reduces as they get to know them better. It's important to understand, however, that this doesn't mean that the entire experience is without a romantic connection. You can be fraysexual and also experience romantic atraction. Fraysexuality just falls under the asexuality umbrella because it incorporates an experience around sexual attraction that falls outside of ‘the standard norms’ that society classifies these experiences.
Fraysexuality often shows up in day to day life as a preference for emotion-free or emotion-less sex. For those in relationships, it often shows up as engaging in sexual relationships that are casual, often anonymous, and often short-lived or instead, in relationships that focus on repeated-new partner play or where sex and sexual attraction is not a key focus of the relationship.
Signs you may be fraysexual
Reflect, reflect, and reflect some more, ideally with a therapist if you can. Ask yourself the following questions to see if there are any signs that you may identify with fraysexuality.
Looking back on your past relationships, have you always been most sexually attracted to people you barely knew?
As you started getting emotionally close to another, did your sexual attraction for them start to wane, or your eye start to wander?
Are you more interested in sleeping with acquaintances than people you know?
Have you at any point considered or stopped to think you may be asexual, because of a reduction in sexual desire and attraction for your partner, and other partners you have been with previously?
If you're in a relationship, do you constantly feel the need to bring new partners into the situation?
Can it ever work to be fraysexual in a monogamous relationship
Being fraysexual and being in a monogamous relationship are not mutually exclusive, it just comes down to the individual relationship and how important sex, and being sexually interested in your partner, is to the relationship as a whole.
If someone fraysexual places a low-value on sex, but a high value on romantic connection, friendship, shared interests or other parts of the relationship, then they can absolutely be in a monogamous, happy and healthy relationship. However, if sex is a key driver or top priority in a relationship, then someone fraysexual may be less well suited to a monogamous relationship and would be better suited to a non-monogamous relationship where having sex with people they do not know, or do not know well, is an accepted part of the relationship.
Fulfillment
Just like with any orientation, fulfilment ultimately comes from understanding what makes you feel happy, heard, cared for, connected and stimulated and actively aligning with a relationship status that enables that. Communication is critical, both with yourself, but also with potential partners around you too. Openness, honesty and human connection are key to feeling fulfilled, no matter how your identification to fraysexuality shows up in your life.
