How to Get Over Retroactive Jealousy (According to Experts)

Retroactive jealousy - and being jealous about a partner's past - can be quite common but, if it is not managed properly, it can escalate into a situation that is damaging to both you and the relationships around you, particularly if it transitions into obsessive compulsive disorder and obsessive and intrusive thoughts.

Understanding the drivers of retroactive jealously can, however, help you understand that the problem at hand is not always the other person or their past - sometimes the challenge is you, and how you handle anxiety in your relationship.

Retroactive jealously is more often about you, than them

While it feels like retroactive jealousy is about the other person - and the potential threat that they hold to you, your safety, or the wellbeing of your relationship, a game changer with retroactive jealously is understanding that the response is actually rooted in your own personal history, lived experience and what have gone through - rather than your partner's past.

By better understanding ourselves, we can work out why we don't feel comfortable with our partner's past and which part of it seems to pose a threat to us and our future with that person.

Rational analysis can also help you to work out whether the retroactive jealousy has any foundations that are logical and reasonable - or whether it is being used as a vehicle for anxiety that you are feeling about other areas of your relationship.

What emotion is driving jealousy?

Self awareness can also help you dig deeper in order to ascertain what emotion is underlying the jealousy. Much like an iceberg, with jealously, there are often emotions below the surface that can't be seen, but are driving a jealous reaction.

For example, while it might feel like you have a valid right to be judgmental, concerned or fearful over behaviour from your partner before they were with you, this concern is often misplaced - and very often will be driven from a place of fear. This fear is a primal response, driven by our reptilian brain that looks for the danger in situations - and understanding that when we are jealous, there is often fear underlying it, can help the situation be better managed by discussing with your partner what exactly you are fearful of happening.

Retroactive jealousy is often exacerbated by your attachment style

An attachment style is the way that we connect with others in social and intimate relationship. These particularly shows up in a romantic sense and multiple studies have established a strong relationship between jealously and those with an anxious attachment style. These studies show that those with an anxious attachment style often use jealously to attempt to elicit a response from their partner - hoping that their partner will re-commit their love, care and understanding to them in the face of conflict - which is what someone with an anxious attachment style needs more of than the average person.

Understanding your attachment style can help you to manage your retroactive jealously - particularly by understanding that in the moments you feel jealous, you may just need stability, love, care and connection from yourself and your partner, rather than deep diving into their past - AGAIN.