How to identify and deal with ‘out of bounds behaviour’ when you start dating someone
Hi friends, Louise here, founder of OPENHOUSE & relationship fanatic. Looking back at my past relationships, there have been so many red flags that I have ignored and overlooked - mainly because, at the time, I hadn’t done any self-work and I just did, not, understand that they were red flags. I thought that they were signs that I needed to approach the situation differently, or maybe try harder, or act differently to make that person like me.
Today, I now totally understand that the initial dating stage is more of an exploration of getting to know each other. You don’t HAVE to like the other person and they don’t HAVE to like you - and, actually, what you should be doing is getting to know each other slowly to start to see what they are like, which personality traits you like, which you don’t, which values they hold that are important to you, which areas you clash or might not be compatible in, and so much more.
Looking back, I wish I had known about these ‘red flags’ and ‘out of bounds behaviours’ early in my 20s, as they would have helped me avoid a very toxic relationship that I spent a number of years in. Today, I am asking Dr Tari what advice she would give someone in the initial dating phase when some situations arise that don’t feel great, or something happens that makes you think ‘oh’.
Here’s what she had to say…
‘Great question and there are many behaviours and communication styles that should not be tolerated early on in a relationship - but you need to identify these to be able to know when they are happening, as well as then being able to be clear on what you are going to accept, what you are not happy to accept - and then communicating these to the other person.
For many of us, we don’t actually know what these ‘out of bounds’ behaviours are and this is because we haven’t always had models of healthy relationships with people around us. We don’t often sit down as a child and get told - if someone does this, it is unacceptable behaviour, and this is what you should do when this happens. What this means in practice is that we are more likely to put up with them.
Also, there can be times when we have these out of bounds behaviours actually normalised to us. For example, this often happens with our parents or people close to us as we are growing up. We might think that it is normal for people to raise their voice or say things that they don’t mean in an argument - and that things can be apologised for later with big gestures and soppy words.
So, it starts with understanding what out of bounds behaviours are. For me, these are the critical ones.
First up, people who lie. If you catch somebody in a lie, at any point when dating someone or being with them, that is a really bad sign.
Second up, somebody who you catch cheating. That is an out of bounds behaviour.
Thirdly, someone who is defensive when you bring up your feelings - and fourthly, blame-shifting - moving the blame back onto you, making you think that it is your fault.
There are other things too, such as having a bad temper, being angry, physically or emotionally abusive, as well as being controlling - but this is an overview of some of the main ones.
And what should we do if these out of bounds behaviours crop up?
Good question. When you’re first dating somebody and one of these smaller things come up, like they are poor at communicating, don’t get back to you, don’t clarify a plan with you, make you feel unsure, for example, you can then bring this up. You can say ‘hey, you didn’t text me back for a couple of days. I like it when somebody texts me more often and is more consistent.’ At this point, you give them a chance to take the feedback on board and see whether they will handle it well, or whether they will become defensive.
If they get defensive, and can’t take the feedback, it’s a red flag. They might be like ‘wow you are super high maintenance’ or ‘you know it’s really not a big deal’ or ‘i’ve been really busy’.
It is in this first discussion that you can see how they deal with criticism, feedback and gentle discussions. At this point, you can explain that you are just trying to communicate how you feel as communication is really important.
If they can take the feedback, they will adjust and own it and apologise, and hopefully take this on board for future decisions that they make whilst you are dating. You can move forward and this is because they don’t get defensive.
If, however, you set that boundary once, and the behaviour repeats, or it continues in some capacity, then I would say it is very important that you stop engaging immediately with the relationship.
If we start to tolerate relationship behaviour in the early days of a relationship, we are just laying the foundations for what we will accept later on in the relationship.
Essentially you're setting a boundary - and don’t be scared of doing so. You're bringing something up that matters to you and that is likely to be reasonable. You're saying I didn't like that. That didn't feel good.
You're giving them an opportunity to respond and you're going to learn a lot about them when we fail to set boundaries. When we fail to speak up. Because either we don't know our own worth or we're trying to people please, or, we've given away our power.
Ultimately, my takeaway from my discussion with Dr Tari on this point is that the dating and early dating phase is an opportunity to see how people deal with situations. Are they going to work with you, or against you? Do they respect me? Do they want to know how I feel about things? Are they flexible? Do they take me seriously? All really important things.
And now, as a 30 something-year-old, I can ultimately say, that if someone raises one of these red flags the next time I am dating, I will be able to thank my self-work and my therapist that I can have a calm and open discussion, before finally walking away, if I know the person is exhibiting traits that I think are ‘out of bounds behaviour’ and are only going to go on to cause me additional pain, inconvenience and upset later on down the line.
An open-minded human to change and compromise? We will happily accept one of those too!
Louise x
Recommended Podcast Episodes
Did this resonate? Check out the below-recommended podcast episodes to hear more from Dr Tari Mack and Louise Rumball.
Out of Bounds Behaviour
Episode 16: Gigi & Zayn ‘Out of Bounds Behaviour’ - Interested in more information on out of bounds behaviour, how to tolerate it in the early dating stages, long term relationships and the more serious relationships when you feel there is no way out? Head over to Episode 16 of the OPENHOUSE Podcast, discussing all things Gigi and Zayn and ‘Out of Bounds Behaviour’.
Linked on Apple here and Spotify here
Unconscious Attraction & Why we accept Bad Behaviour
Episode 11: Khloe Kardashian, Tristan Thompson and ‘Unconscious Attraction’ - Interested in more information on what unconscious attraction is, why we accept bad behaviour and what we can do to break our own cycles? Head over to Episode 11 of the OPENHOUSE Podcast, discussing all things Khloe Kardashian, Tristan Thompson and ‘Unconscious Attraction’
Linked on Apple here and Spotify here
Follow Louise on Instagram here
Follow Dr Tari on Instagram here
Follow OPENHOUSE on Instagram here
