The Sobriety Edit - your full guide to going sober or sober curious
Explaining to your friends that you want to explore sobriety can be a difficult conversation. In this post, we’re going to give you the full run down on how to navigate going sober, 5 top tips to going sober in a friendship group who love to party - as well as some gems on how to date while sober.
How to go sober and 10 ways to tell your friends you’re thinking about quitting alcohol
Once you have made the decision that you want or need to go sober (and this is for people that are not going through the traditional route of the AA support network, which, is a critical thing to explore if you feel like you can’t go on this journey on your own), then you need to get ready to share that with those around you.
I’m going to share some of the sound bytes that I shared with my friends, in case it helps you too. For me, it went something like this:
Open the conversation gently -
Hey guys, so, I wanted to talk to you about something that I have been thinking about for a while now. You more than anyone know I was pretty messed up when I was drinking all the time. I know maybe it didn’t seem it from the outside, but the repercussions from me drinking just weren’t great at all
Reflect on drinking. Talk to them about the drivers behind the decisions that emotionally impacted you -
You know how crazy bad my hangovers were. My hangovers are savage, I make really bad decisions when I’m drunk and I always seem to get pressured into situations that I didn’t want to be in. I felt like I was living on this crazy roundabout of weekends being a bit hectic - and then Monday would come back around again and it felt like I was on a rollercoaster that was never stopping On top of that, I just spend so much money when I drink and I also end up smoking and doing drugs and just doing things that generally I don’t find that fun anymore. When I look back, I actually got into some pretty traumatic situations over the years that we all just laughed off. In hindsight, they’re kinda not that funny after all.
Don’t totally slate your past - remember the good times -
So, I’ve realised that partying was a big part of my life for a long time, and we have had some of the funniest and most hysterical memories that I have ever experienced through us partying - [like that time that XYZ and XYZ]
But reflect on how life changes -
But now I have started to realise that I think it’s time for me to switch it up and try something else and explore who I am without the partying and see if I can do it and see who I become without it for a while
Be honest & reflect on how it might impact your friendship -
I know this might be weird because we spend a lot of time drinking together - and it's basically how our social circle has fun together. I’m not going to pretend that things might be weird for us to navigate for a bit - but, as my friend, I’m explaining to you that I don’t love my relationship with alcohol and it's something that i'm looking to explore and maybe even re-write
Tell your friends the parameters of your decision -
To do this, I need to explore what it’s like for me to be sober, curious or just not drink for a while. I’m going to just start with a month and see how it goes [or explain that you have come to the conclusion that sobriety is the right decision for you] It doesn’t mean that I’m never going to drink again but for me, right now, it feels the right decision and I need your support, in fact, I would really appreciate it
Explain what they can do to support you on this journey -
Things aren’t gonna madly change. I totally want you to keep inviting me to things - and for sure, I’ll be there - but the dynamic just might change a bit if I’m honest. Like, I might not be able to make it until 5am in the morning anymore - but I’ll be there until I just can’t dance anymore! I’m never gonna be a debbie downer - I’m gonna be exactly the same *me* as I was before, just without the roller coaster ride - and just a bit more stability!
And any other suggestions that might make the journey easier for you -
So, I think it would be fun if we could organise some more stuff in the day - like go for lunch, rather than go for dinner? Or go to the gym, get a coffee, go for a walk, go to the cinema? You know, we don’t JUST have to hang out at night time - and maybe you guys could do with a bit more sleep once in a while too!
And ask them not to pressure you -
I know we are so used to drinking, but if you see me not drinking, please support me rather than pressuring me into drinking. This is gonna be a hard enough decision as it is and I’m looking forward to seeing who I am without the booze
Finally, thank them, and tell them how excited you are about it.
Thanks guys, I love you and I really really appreciate you supporting me on this. It means the world to me.
How to stop drinking when your friends love to drink
Next up, 5 specific tips for going sober in a friendship group who like to party. Another truth about sobriety is that it is likely that your friendship group is going to change. I was lucky when I went sober, that I had a lot of friends who worked in the fitness industry and who lived in the United States - all of whom didn’t think it was that weird that I was giving up alcohol.
But the other side of my friendship group? There was a set of friends who did a LOT of partying - and I was worried about how they would react. In their defence, they didn’t make a big fuss about it. No one ever pressured me to drink, and I was still invited to all of the events - but one thing that I hear time and time again, is from people whose friendship groups just do not support their decision - and this is definitely something that restricts a lot of people from sticking to their sobriety.
Here are my tips and tricks for going sober in a group of party animals:
Remember your why -
Ultimately, you are doing this for you - as a huge added benefit to your life, not as a sacrifice. Any time you view sobriety as a sacrifice it becomes something that is easy to give up or to want to break (like the restriction involved with a diet). When you realise that you are not drinking FOR YOU and in your best interest, then you realise that if anyone else makes you drink, you are putting their best wishes for their own interests above yours.
Acknowledge that cutting out the cocktails is going to streamline your friendship group -
Because this is just how it goes. Sobriety shows you the truth about not only yourself but a lot of people around you. Sobriety is going to help you to work out who are the good time gals (and guys) around you and who were those who were going to be there for you in times of need, crisis or stress. It might be sad to see some friendships change, fade away, or for it to become clear who really needs or prefers to have alcohol in their life to have fun. Hopefully, these people won’t be those nearest and dearest to you, and you can watch the dynamics of your friendship groups change without too much drama. Over time, you will likely look back and see that the friends you only ever saw in the night club maybe weren’t your deepest and most true friends after all.
Acknowledge that friendships need to be worked upon and can’t just be expected -
Don’t get me wrong, there is nothing better than a good, wild night out with people you have just met, or even your best friends, but there is something truly beautiful about those friendships that are still there the next day and that love you and accept you for who you are and the decisions you make to better yourself. Understanding who the most important friends to you are before you go on this journey will help you to keep prioritising them through this process and ensuring that you find additional ways to spend time with them and nurture your friendship together.
Acknowledge that it’s ok (and sad) to lose friends along this journey -
People not supporting you might be part and parcel of making big changes in your life. If they are your best friends, or have been friends with you for a very long time, and you feel that the dynamics of your friendships are changing - or they don’t support this decision or the new version of you, one of the most painful truths is that you don’t HAVE to be friends with them. Friendships, whilst in an ideal world will stay forever, are fluid things and just like relationships, they come and go as people change. This can be a very upsetting experience, however, so do seek help from a professional and qualified therapist to help you monitor and manage this situation for you.
Be open to meeting new friends who share non-alcohol related interests -
If you feel like the people around you are not supporting you and your new decision not to drink, it might not be the worst idea to look outside of your current pool of friends and be open minded to meeting new people who *DO* support you. There is a mis understanding that as you get older, people think that you can’t make new friends - and this is not the case. Recently, I met a new friend who was a friend of a good friend of mine. We met and we got on well - at which point we decided to go to a dance class together the next week, and then get breakfast the week after that. All of these activities were non-alcohol related, and because we had a mutual interest in dancing, alcohol was actually irrelevant to our friendship. Know that, no matter your age, there are new friendships out there waiting to support you as you step into the new part of your life.
Dating without alcohol and dating while sober
Next up, are you sober and single? Or have a friend who is sober that you want to support? Giving up alcohol taught me how to explore and expect real connection, rather than love-drunk passion. Today, so many of us date behind the protective wall of cocktails and drinks. Fast forward 2 hours, and we’re making out with someone we just met but know nothing about. Sobriety has increased my perception and judgment around the people I date. It has allowed me to get to know people better. To ask smart questions.
To assess if I actually like them or think there is any compatibility there at all. When you’re sober - conversation is critical. It has allowed me to develop deeper emotional connection with people, rather than getting lost in the party scene with them and falling in love with them, just for the night.
When you first start dating - here are some tips:
Tell your date straight up that you don’t drink.
Put it on your dating profile. It’s nothing to be ashamed of - it’s something to be proud of. There is no need to hide it. It’s part of you and your story - don’t shy away from it.
Be ready for your date asking you to meet for a drink the first time you meet.
This seems pretty standard in today’s dating world - particularly if you are in the UK! This is where I’d always say - sure, sounds good. I don’t actually drink but that works for me! Or, I’d say Sounds good, I actually don’t drink so how about we get a coffee instead? If you do head out on a date with them, capping the date in the daytime is actually a pretty good idea if it’s the first time you meet them. It’s kinda difficult to get out of dinner & drinks if you know you don’t feel a connection in the initial stages of the meet so a day time meet is perfect - particularly if you have something you have to dash off for.
Acknowledge how they respond when they first find out that you are sober.
How they respond is important because it is often a reflection of their personality and where they are at in their life. Are they open minded? Are they tolerant? If they comment on you not drinking being ‘weird’ or derogatory in any way, you have your first red flag that there may not be some compatibility between you two.
Be prepared for around 60 seconds of awkwardness when you first meet (if you haven’t met before).
The first 60 seconds are going to be awkward whether you’re drunk or not - and there is nothing more embarrassing than turning up drunk to a date. Remember - ultimately, this might be the first and only time you ever see this person - but, if you’ve spoken with them before the date and established some mutual ground and connection, there is a likelihood that you’ll have enough soft conversation to keep things going for a little while. Maybe you’ll have the best date ever. And if not, worst comes to the worst, you’ll be out of there in an hour - and you won’t have drunk through the evening and given yourself a horrible hangover the next day *just* to make the evening bearable.
Remember why you are doing it. Sobriety is a gift, not a restriction.
Whenever you’re on a date and it’s awkward - you’re not sure there is a spark there, you’re not sure whether you want to be there and you have no idea whether they like you - remember, you are dating smart. By getting drunk, there is as chance you’ll be putting your beer goggles on and finding them a little bit more attractive than they really are. Dating in the early stages is about getting to know someone and getting to know whether they align with what you are after in a person. And the best way to do that? Actually talk to them.
Assess how they handle you not drinking on the date.
If they pressure you to drink, then you have your second red flag of the evening. Firmly state your boundaries and let the date run its course or bring the date to a gently abrupt end.
If they get drunk, and you don’t.
Some people might consider your third red flag of the evening. There is no reason that the other person on the date shouldn’t drink - but, when they start to get super drunk and you’re sober, it can be a bit off putting. At this point, you can decide how you want to proceed with the date - bring it to a gentle close or stay out with them.
If they take you somewhere where everyone *else* is drunk.
This can be fun for both of you to pick up a good vibe from everyone around you, but if it is loud and everyone around you is drunk, it’s not the best place to do a date as you can’t talk much. Plan ahead accordingly and find somewhere a little more appropriate for getting to know someone.
For me, alcohol has led me to having more stable relationships - and a better dating outlook.
In relationships, there are no drunken arguments, communications or misunderstandings - and in relationships, I can quickly assess the green flags, the red flags and the reality of the situation without falling in love over a glass of wine for the night.
Today, sobriety has given me a much deeper understanding of myself (and any partner that I am with) and helps me to ensure that stressful situations are generally avoided - and dating is a bit more of a smooth ride.
The truth about sobriety and socialising
It sounds pretty savage to say that sobriety will teach you how to function without a distraction or an escape from yourself, but it’s the truth. I’ve always been a pretty confident person (on the outside at least) and so I have been aware that giving up alcohol may have been easier for me than it might be for someone who is chronically shy, or equally, lonely and looking to connect with new people - but still, giving up alcohol taught me alot about how I function in social circles.
For me, I used alcohol as less of a crutch than some people.
For many, alcohol is a substitute for true confidence and self-esteem but for me, giving it up showed me that I didn’t have a problem with either of those things - I could still go out and party just like I did before - I just needed to hit bed a little earlier than most. This was actually a major wake up call for me.
It helped me realise I wasn’t using the alcohol to give me confidence (although still today if I’m at a hella boring event with hella boring people, sometimes I do find myself pining after the bar as an excuse to leave a dry ass conversation!)
Giving up alcohol made me realise I was never really very nervous about meeting people. I never needed it to function or to get through an event or a date.
Releasing these things made me realise that I didn't really need it at all- but, like many, I drank because it was normal.
I drank because I thought it made things ‘more fun’ and it made me feel ‘more attractive’. I also drank because I was stressed, or because I needed a release from a stressful week at work.
I drank because everyone else in society drank - and I never for the life of me, thought about not drinking.
Once I stopped drinking, I learnt how to function without distraction - and without escaping from myself.
If you need alcohol to relax, or to have the confidence to go to an event, it’s actually a great sign that you have some inner work to do around owning exactly who you are - and loving that person in their entirety - so much so that you don’t need to loosen them up with some alcohol, or make them a bit ‘more fun’ or a bit ‘more sexy’.
You should be able to walk into any room and know that you will find a place within the room and that you are wanted there and you have something to add and offer to the table. If the thought of going on a date, or an event, makes you chronically uncomfortable, then it's a great area for you to explore further in the therapy room - around why this is, and what has happened in your lifetime and, particularly childhood, to develop you into someone who is so shy and lacking in self belief.
Alcohol is used by so many to numb - through heartbreak, through loss and grief, and so much more - but what giving up alcohol taught me is that these emotions, however, are to be experienced and processed properly, so they don’t get trapped into our physical bodies as trauma.
Inner work and healing will allow you to learn to regulate your nervous system in other ways (relaxation techniques, deep breathing, human support) rather than numbing with a substance
Now, don’t get me wrong. There are still times that I don’t want to go to an event sober because I know it will be crazy, messy, or full of people I don’t know - but in those situations, I protect myself and allow myself to regulate so I don’t find myself in a situation that is truly uncomfortable. I find someone to go with that I know or feel safe with, I agree to go to the event ‘just for a little bit’ - or, ultimately, I just don’t go at all.
It’s not ‘escaping’ or being ‘weak’ if you just do not have any interest in the event, or anyone there. True friends will understand.
But out of all of this? Sobriety taught me that life is meant to be felt, not avoided.
Sometimes the feelings are uncomfortable - but they aren’t there to be numbed.
Finally, I’m going to leave you with the 6 ways that Sobriety changed my life.
Sobriety changed my life
When I decided to quit drinking over 3 years ago, it didn’t feel like a monumental decision. It was a time out. It was a ‘back to the drawing board’ moment. A ‘I need 30 days off from this rollercoaster lifestyle I am living’. A rollercoaster of running a business by day, before entertaining clients at night.
That 30 days turned into 3 years. Today, sobriety is without a doubt my biggest achievement, and greatest challenge.
Here are the top 6 things I have learnt about how exploring sobriety allowed me to meet the real me - and a version of me that I really like:
Giving up alcohol taught me that I didn’t need the alcohol after all.
For many, alcohol is a substitute for true confidence and self-esteem but for me, giving it up showed me that I didn’t have a problem with either of those things - I could still go out and party just like I did before - I just needed to hit bed a little earlier than most. If you need alcohol to relax, or to have the confidence to go to an event, it’s actually a great sign that you have some great inner work to do around owning exactly who you are - and loving that person too. You should be able to walk into any room and know that you will find a place within the room. Inner work and healing will allow you to learn to regulate your nervous system in other ways (relaxation techniques, deep breathing, human support) rather than numbing with a substance. Alcohol is used by so many to numb - through heartbreak, through loss and grief, and so much more. These emotions, however, are to be experienced. Processed properly, so they don’t get trapped into our physical bodies as trauma. Sobriety taught me that life is meant to be felt, not avoided.
Giving up alcohol will allow you to own your true and ultimate attractiveness.
For many, they think that alcohol makes them sexier or more attractive. In fact, now that I'm sober, I look back and cringe at things I did, said, or sent that I thought, in that drunken stupor, would be cute, funny or sexy. Hell, no. *embarrassing*. Today I realise that there is nothing sexier than a woman who has got her sh*t together. The girl who is well dressed. There is nothing sexier for me, and my loved ones, to know that no matter where I go, and whoever I go out with, I will be going home safely, not losing the contents of my handbag all over the street or losing my belongings.
As you start on this journey to understanding the real you, you will also start to experience what true connection to others feels like.
Giving up alcohol taught me how to explore and expect real connection, rather than love-drunk passion. Today, so many of us date behind the protective wall of cocktails and drinks. Fast forward 2 hours, and we’re making out with someone we just met but know nothing about. Sobriety has increased my perception and judgment around the people I date. It has allowed me to get to know people better. To ask smart questions. To assess if I actually like them or think there is any compatibility there at all. When you’re sober - conversation is critical. It has allowed me to develop deeper emotional connection with people, rather than getting lost in the party scene with them and falling in love with them, just for the night.
In a similar vein, alcohol has led me to having more stable relationships.
There are no drunken arguments, communications or misunderstandings - and sure - these definitely might still happen in other areas of the relationship, but drunk arguments are a thing of the past. Over a decade ago, I would often be unfaithful to my boyfriends because my undeveloped brain mixed with intense alcohol consumption meant I made some really bad decisions. Today, sobriety and a much deeper understanding of myself (and any partner that I am with), ensures that this situation will always be avoided.
Cutting out the cocktails also enabled me to streamline my friendship group - working out who were the good time gals and who were those who were going to be there for me in times of need, crisis or stress.
Don’t get me wrong, there is nothing better than a good, wild night out with people you have just met, or even your best friends, but there is something truly beautiful about those friendships that are still there the next day and that love you and accept you for who you are and the decisions you make to better yourself.
And finally, for me, meeting the real me meant developing confidence in my boundary setting.
As someone notorious for getting herself stuck in situations with people or men she didn’t want to be in when drunk, sobriety has brought me clarity around what I am and what I am not comfortable with. I can guarantee you that if I am sober and I am in a situation that does not feel good, right, safe or sexy, that I will vocalise that and remove myself. The alcohol free life allowed me to connect with my authentic self and taught me to feel safe in communicating this to anyone I was with. There is nothing better than true connection.
For me, the party isn’t over. The party is just different. I still party - it’s just a different kind of beautiful.
Maybe you could try 30 days and see how it goes for you too.
With love,
Louise x
Louise is 3.5 years sober. You can listen to her podcast episode on Sobriety on Apple here and Spotify here. She discusses how and why her ‘dream life’ wasn’t actually so dreamy after a;; how a ‘night gone wrong’ led to me deciding to go sober for 30 days. That 30 days turned into nearly 4 years and sobriety and being sober curious was without a doubt the best decision she have ever made.
Interested in more content like this?
You can follow Louise Rumball on Instagram here and OPENHOUSE here.
You can also grab your free workshop with clinical psychologist Dr Helene-Laurent here where we discuss my sobriety journey and actionable tips and tricks to help you en route with yours.
