How to date whilst sober
Imma go out on a limb and say it straight - dating sober is sometimes awkward but mainly life changing.
Yes, it can be a little more awkward than usual - BUT - as you start on this journey to understanding the real you, you will also start to experience what true connection to others feels like.
Giving up alcohol taught me how to explore and expect real connection, rather than love-drunk passion. Today, so many of us date behind the protective wall of cocktails and drinks. Fast forward 2 hours, and we’re making out with someone we just met but know nothing about. Sobriety has increased my perception and judgment around the people I date. It has allowed me to get to know people better. To ask smart questions.
To assess if I actually like them or think there is any compatibility there at all. When you’re sober - conversation is critical. It has allowed me to develop deeper emotional connection with people, rather than getting lost in the party scene with them and falling in love with them, just for the night.
When you first start dating - here are some tips:
Tell your date straight up that you don’t drink.
Put it on your dating profile. It’s nothing to be ashamed of - it’s something to be proud of. There is no need to hide it. It’s part of you and your story - don’t shy away from it.
Be ready for your date asking you to meet for a drink the first time you meet.
This seems pretty standard in today’s dating world - particularly if you are in the UK! This is where I’d always say - sure, sounds good. I don’t actually drink but that works for me! Or, I’d say Sounds good, I actually don’t drink so how about we get a coffee instead? If you do head out on a date with them, capping the date in the daytime is actually a pretty good idea if it’s the first time you meet them. It’s kinda difficult to get out of dinner & drinks if you know you don’t feel a connection in the initial stages of the meet so a day time meet is perfect - particularly if you have something you have to dash off for.
Acknowledge how they respond when they first find out that you are sober.
How they respond is important because it is often a reflection of their personality and where they are at in their life. Are they open minded? Are they tolerant? If they comment on you not drinking being ‘weird’ or derogatory in any way, you have your first red flag that there may not be some compatibility between you two.
Be prepared for around 60 seconds of awkwardness when you first meet (if you haven’t met before).
The first 60 seconds are going to be awkward whether you’re drunk or not - and there is nothing more embarrassing than turning up drunk to a date. Remember - ultimately, this might be the first and only time you ever see this person - but, if you’ve spoken with them before the date and established some mutual ground and connection, there is a likelihood that you’ll have enough soft conversation to keep things going for a little while. Maybe you’ll have the best date ever. And if not, worst comes to the worst, you’ll be out of there in an hour - and you won’t have drunk through the evening and given yourself a horrible hangover the next day *just* to make the evening bearable.
Remember why you are doing it. Sobriety is a gift, not a restriction.
Whenever you’re on a date and it’s awkward - you’re not sure there is a spark there, you’re not sure whether you want to be there and you have no idea whether they like you - remember, you are dating smart. By getting drunk, there is as chance you’ll be putting your beer goggles on and finding them a little bit more attractive than they really are. Dating in the early stages is about getting to know someone and getting to know whether they align with what you are after in a person. And the best way to do that? Actually talk to them.
Assess how they handle you not drinking on the date.
If they pressure you to drink, then you have your second red flag of the evening. Firmly state your boundaries and let the date run its course or bring the date to a gently abrupt end.
If they get drunk, and you don’t.
Some people might consider your third red flag of the evening. There is no reason that the other person on the date shouldn’t drink - but, when they start to get super drunk and you’re sober, it can be a bit off putting. At this point, you can decide how you want to proceed with the date - bring it to a gentle close or stay out with them.
If they take you somewhere where everyone *else* is drunk.
This can be fun for both of you to pick up a good vibe from everyone around you, but if it is loud and everyone around you is drunk, it’s not the best place to do a date as you can’t talk much. Plan ahead accordingly and find somewhere a little more appropriate for getting to know someone.
For me, alcohol has led me to having more stable relationships - and a better dating career.
In relationships, there are no drunken arguments, communications or misunderstandings - and in relationships, I can quickly assess the green flags, the red flags and the reality of the situation without falling in love over a glass of wine for the night.
Today, sobriety has given me a much deeper understanding of myself (and any partner that I am with) and helps me to ensure that stressful situations are generally avoided - and dating is a bit more of a smooth ride.
To dating sober!
Louise is 3.5 years sober. You can listen to her podcast episode on Sobriety on Apple here and Spotify here. She discusses how and why her ‘dream life’ wasn’t actually so dreamy after a;; how a ‘night gone wrong’ led to me deciding to go sober for 30 days. That 30 days turned into nearly 4 years and sobriety and being sober curious was without a doubt the best decision she have ever made.
Interested in more content like this?
You can follow Louise Rumball on Instagram here and OPENHOUSE here.
You can also grab your free workshop with clinical psychologist Dr Helene-Laurent here where we discuss my sobriety journey and actionable tips and tricks to help you en route with yours.
