The painful truth about sobriety and socialising
It sounds pretty savage to say that sobriety will teach you how to function without a distraction or an escape from yourself, but it’s the truth. I’ve always been a pretty confident person (on the outside at least) and so I have been aware that giving up alcohol may have been easier for me than it might be for someone who is chronically shy, or equally, lonely and looking to connect with new people - but still, giving up alcohol taught me alot about how I function in social circles.
For me, I used alcohol as less of a crutch than some people.
For many, alcohol is a substitute for true confidence and self-esteem but for me, giving it up showed me that I didn’t have a problem with either of those things - I could still go out and party just like I did before - I just needed to hit bed a little earlier than most. This was actually a major wake up call for me.
It helped me realise I wasn’t using the alcohol to give me confidence (although still today if I’m at a hella boring event with hella boring people, sometimes I do find myself pining after the bar as an excuse to leave a dry ass conversation!)
Giving up alcohol made me realise I was never really very nervous about meeting people. I never needed it to function or to get through an event or a date.
Releasing these things made me realise that I didn't really need it at all- but, like many, I drank because it was normal.
I drank because I thought it made things ‘more fun’ and it made me feel ‘more attractive’. I also drank because I was stressed, or because I needed a release from a stressful week at work.
I drank because everyone else in society drank - and I never for the life of me, thought about not drinking.
Once I stopped drinking, I learnt how to function without distraction - and without escaping from myself.
If you need alcohol to relax, or to have the confidence to go to an event, it’s actually a great sign that you have some inner work to do around owning exactly who you are - and loving that person in their entirety - so much so that you don’t need to loosen them up with some alcohol, or make them a bit ‘more fun’ or a bit ‘more sexy’.
You should be able to walk into any room and know that you will find a place within the room and that you are wanted there and you have something to add and offer to the table. If the thought of going on a date, or an event, makes you chronically uncomfortable, then it's a great area for you to explore further in the therapy room - around why this is, and what has happened in your lifetime and, particularly childhood, to develop you into someone who is so shy and lacking in self belief.
Alcohol is used by so many to numb - through heartbreak, through loss and grief, and so much more - but what giving up alcohol taught me is that these emotions, however, are to be experienced and processed properly, so they don’t get trapped into our physical bodies as trauma.
Inner work and healing will allow you to learn to regulate your nervous system in other ways (relaxation techniques, deep breathing, human support) rather than numbing with a substance
Now, don’t get me wrong. There are still times that I don’t want to go to an event sober because I know it will be crazy, messy, or full of people I don’t know - but in those situations, I protect myself and allow myself to regulate so I don’t find myself in a situation that is truly uncomfortable. I find someone to go with that I know or feel safe with, I agree to go to the event ‘just for a little bit’ - or, ultimately, I just don’t go at all.
It’s not ‘escaping’ or being ‘weak’ if you just do not have any interest in the event, or anyone there. True friends will understand.
But out of all of this? Sobriety taught me that life is meant to be felt, not avoided.
Sometimes the feelings are uncomfortable - but they aren’t there to be numbed.
Louise is 3.5 years sober. You can listen to her podcast episode on Sobriety on Apple here and Spotify here. She discusses how and why her ‘dream life’ wasn’t actually so dreamy after a;; how a ‘night gone wrong’ led to me deciding to go sober for 30 days. That 30 days turned into nearly 4 years and sobriety and being sober curious was without a doubt the best decision she have ever made.
Interested in more content like this?
You can follow Louise Rumball on Instagram here and OPENHOUSE here.
You can also grab your free workshop with clinical psychologist Dr Helene-Laurent here where we discuss my sobriety journey and actionable tips and tricks to help you en route with yours.
