Am I having enough sex?
Is there a right amount of times to have sex per week / month?
Just like life, there is no fixed answer to how often couples should have sex. There will always be a ton of different factors that influence a sex drive including stress levels, time of the month, relationship duration, relationship satisfaction, exercise, mood, hormone levels and medications - amongst many others. Having a high or low sex drive doesn't indicate something is wrong in a sex life - but if you are on totally different pages to your partner, it can build into a problem.
How often do most couples have sex?
Ultimately, if you are happy with the amount of sex you are having in your marraige, then you are having the right amount of sex but statistics say that you can put some numbers to the topic. Studies show that only around 1/4 of couples globally are having sex once a week, with the rest actually only having sex once or twice a month. A medically reviewed article in 2021 suggested that 47% of married couples have sex less than once a week.
But remember, sex doesn't equate directly to happiness in a relationship. Despite sex being directly connected to a number of physical and emotional benefits, research shows that married people who have more sex weekly are actually no happier than those who have less of it. A 2015 study who were instructed to double the amount of sex they were having were no happier than they were before at a usual and standard rate of sex. They actually also reported they enjoyed the increased frequency of sex less! Another confirmation that doing what feels right for you in your relationship is a critical driver.
So, stop worrying so much about what other people are doing, thinking or feeling - and focus on what works for you and your partner.
Why is there such a mystery surrounding sex?
In general, there is a resistance and general uncomfortableness when talking about sex because the topic comes with implied rules - rules that we learnt from our family, our parents, our school experience and our friends. With sex, there is a silent rule, a general unwritten understanding that some things are outside of the boundaries of 'socially acceptable behaviour' and for many, sex falls into that category - partly because it is an intimate and personal experience and also because many religions and patriarchal rife upbringings have, throughout history, often reflected on sex as a 'sinful' or 'dirty act' which has, in turn, frightened and controlled great swathes of society.
The truth is that sex is a beautiful, natural, incredible experience but maybe at some point, someone told you that it wasn't and you internalized this idea. For many, it becomes part of their emotional landscape and for those who fit into that category, sexual discussions can make you feel uncomfortable.
How much is too little / too much sex?
A healthy sex life, connecting frequently, is a great sign - but if either you or your partner have an extremely high sex drive, it can be a sign that something deeper is going on at play. Always wanting sex, pleasure or connection more than a partner can sometimes be about something more than the sex and sexual drive altogether. It can, in fact, mask a habit of a deep rooted need for attention, connection, regulation or even control. If you or your partner are experiencing an intense need for sex frequently, this is something that you could look to explore together with the support of a therapist or professional.
Equally, if you feel like you are not sexually satisfied (I always advise people to look at their sex life in terms of satisfcation, rather than frequency) - then there can be room for discussion with your partner around what you think could be done differently.
Delivering feedback in the bedroom / if you're not happy with how much sex you're having
When delivering feedback in the bedroom, I always advise understanding the analogy of the 'sex sandwich' to help deliver a productive and validating conversation that avoids difficult, painful or critical conversation.
Think of the two layers of bread around a sandwich as the protective, kind words, with the slightly more sensitive piece of information sandwiched in the middle. What does this mean in practice? It means by starting with the positive - affirm and communicate to your partner what they do right, what you do love, and how much you love connecting with them, physically, emotionally and mentally. Be specific - whether it's something they do specifically that they love, or how and when they initiative sex. Remember, this doesn't have to be a one way discussion either. You aren't having the conversation just to get to the important information in the middle, so ask them how they feel about your sex life too.
In the middle of the sandwich, instead of delivering a negative piece of feedback, such as 'we don't have sex enough' or 'you are always tired', frame your question as an open-ended one. Tell them that you have been thinking about whether you could be connecting more, connecting differently or trying different things, and whether they have had any similar thoughts, This helps ease both of you into the conversation with a middle ground and you avoid criticism - which is a sure fire way for turning the conversation sour.
At the end of the sandwich, you have another piece of bread - to wrap up the conversation. Always focus on doing so positively - again reiterating the positives about your experience together, and by communicating that taking on board the feedback is something you are considering to further elevate and deepen your relationship, both physically and emotionally, together - because that is your ultimate goal by being with your partner, to experience ultimate partnership and happiness for each of you, both individually and together.
