Should I tell someone I am dating I have an anxious attachment style?
Hey friends, Louise here. Founder of OPENHOUSE.
Welcome to our Anxious Attachment Series- Part 3.
In Part 1, we start with understanding what an anxious attachment style is and how it forms. Head here to read it.
In Part 2, we discuss where we discuss triggers & fears behind your anxious attachment style so you can understand them better. Head here to read it.
Episodes 38. 39 and 40 of the OPENHOUSE Podcast went viral talking about how to live with, and heal, from an anxious attachment style. If you are interested in what we are talking about here, head over to the OPENHOUSE Podcast on Spotify and Apple for more.
Today, we’re going to talk about how to communicate that you have an anxious attachment style with a partner. Picture the scene. You’re dating someone new, things are going great but all of a sudden, your anxious attachment starts to creep up. You start to think they prefer someone else. That they don’t like you. They leave you on read for two minutes and you start to panic - what if you said something wrong? What if you did something wrong? When you’re with them, you notice they’re on their phone more than normal. If you’re just starting to date someone, how should you communicate this? And should you tell your new partner about your anxious attachment style straight away?
If your partner is stable, safe and has a secure attachment style this may make you feel like you’re a bit erratic or chaotic, or a bit too much to handle. In the beginning stages of dating someone, when everyone is trying to pretend that it’s perfect and not letting that mask slip, you will feel like you don’t want the person to know. They might think less of you. They might run a mile. If you have an anxious attachment style, this can make anxiety creep in. It’s too easy to get stuck in a cycle of trying to cover it up.
I asked the OPENHOUSE head queen, Dr Tari Mack, Clinical Psychologist & Celebrity Relationship Expert, about this and more, as well as asking for her view on how to communicate, heal and work on your anxious attachment style.
She explains “First of all, you have to make sure you’re not with someone who’s avoidant. If an anxious person attracts and is attracted to avoidant partners then you’re never going to get out of the cycle. Anxiously attached people should not date avoidantly attached people. They are really going to make you feel like you are too much and they are going to trigger this attachment style. Assuming you are dating someone who is secure, or even anxious, as you’re getting to know someone, you should be working on your own communicating. Accepting that you’re not perfect but neither is he or she. It takes a while to see each other deeply and truly in a relationship. Everyone comes to the table with baggage and issues - so yes, you might have an anxious attachment style, but they are going to have something that they are dealing with too.
From the beginning, once you decide you like someone and there’s this feeling like they’re a safe person, then yes, tell them. Just own it. You can either explain quite simply to them what is going on. For example, “I tend to get anxious sometimes when we’re apart, and I’m definitely aware of it and working on it. It’s an attachment style that developed in life way before I was consciously aware of it - but I know about it now, so I’m bringing self awareness to it. I just want you to know that the worst thing for me is if somebody just disappears or doesn’t communicate with me.”
You need to make it clear that you can’t date that kind of person, but you have to let them know who you are, because if someone is like “hell no, I can’t deal with that” they are not your person. Your person is going to be able to hold space for this part of you that’s still trying to grow and heal.”
From the beginning, having that conversation can help you to understand whether they’re even going to be the right person to be spending any time with, because people attach very quickly as well today. A lot of people use sex to avoid emotional intimacy but we need to be having these actual conversations early on.
I’ve put together a script for you guys. It’s a word by word free script of how to have this conversation and how to communicate everything that you feel. This script is for when you are in a safe place with someone else, and you feel like you can safely and authentically express how you feel. You can choose which parts of this feel relevant to you. The key reminder here is to not shame yourself when you talk about it, this isn’t your fault, but it’s also your responsibility. You don’t want to share this with your partner so they can modify their behaviour to help make things better - this is just sharing how you are, how this developed and what you are doing to work on it.
Dr Tari continues “Anxious attachment is not a barrier to love. It’s just a part of how you’re wired and it’s OK. It doesn’t make you less than your partner, because your partner is going to have their own stuff. Maybe you just don’t know what it is yet because it’s early in your relationship. Don’t view your anxious attachment as a detriment and think you have to hide it - it’s a part of your package, and it’s so sexy for anyone to say “you know what? I know myself well enough to know what my triggers are and the little things I need to work on. And I’m working on them”
Hope this is helpful.
Love Louise x
You just read Part 3 of the OPENHOUSE Anxious Attachment Series.
Want more help on your anxious attachment style?
For PART 1 of the Anxious Attachment Blog Series, we discussed what is an anxious attachment style, how does it develop and what are the foundations that you need to understand in terms of starting to work through it. Head HERE for that article.
For Part 2 of the Anxious Attachment Blog Series, head HERE where we discuss anxious attachment style triggers so you can understand what triggers your anxious attachment style.
To read Part 4 of the series, head HERE where I give you a full script of how to explain to your partner, or the person you are dating, what an anxious attachment style is, what it makes you feel and how they can help you to work towards being and feeling more securely attached.
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Interested in the OPENHOUSE Podcast and want to go deeper with Dr Tari Mack and Louise Rumball on your daily healing girl walk?
You can find Episode 38 HERE HTTPS://WWW.THISISOPENHOUSE.COM/PODCAST/ANXIOUS-ATTACHMENT-STYLE and
Episode 39 HERE HTTPS://WWW.THISISOPENHOUSE.COM/PODCAST/ANXIOUS-ATTACHMENT-STYLE-PART-2
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Connect with Dr Tari Mack on IG : @DRTARIMACK
Connect with Dr Tari Mack on TikTok: @DRTARIMACK
