Anxious Attachment Style Triggers
Welcome to our Anxious Attachment Series - Part 2.
In Part 1 we discussed what is an anxious attachment style, how does it develop and what are the foundations that you need to understand in terms of starting to work through it. Head here for that article.
Episodes 38. 39 and 40 of the OPENHOUSE Podcast went viral talking about how to live with, and heal, from an anxious attachment style. If you are interested in what we are talking about here, head over to the OPENHOUSE Podcast on Spotify and Apple for more. In this blog post we’re going to go a little deeper into the anxious attachment style. We’re going to look at the key things that happen when your anxious attachment style is triggered, and how to cope if you feel triggered.
Approximately 20% of the world’s population has an anxious attachment style, so if you feel this way, you are definitely not alone. By talking about my own anxious attachment, it made me realise that I wasn’t alone in feeling the things that I did with the guy that I am dating at the moment. When we start these conversations and we realise we’re not alone with these thoughts and feelings, things seem a bit more manageable.
We're going to be talking about exactly what happens when you get triggered in those moments and the types of situations that are very common triggers for people. And I'm also going to be sharing my experience on what triggers me. Whatever it is that triggers you, you are not alone.
What Happens When Your Anxious Attachment Style is Triggered?
I spoke to Dr Tari Mack, Clinical Psychologist, about what happens when our anxious attachment styles are triggered. She explains “With an anxious attachment style you’re the type of person, with a nervous system, that is sensitive to any changes in energy, communication, mood - both in the relationship and with your partner. So one of the most common triggers is that we sense, or we interpret that our partner is quiet. They may be in a bad mood, we feel like they're pulling away. Their body language might feel different. They don’t want to hang out with us on a specific day. When you have an anxious attachment style, we always personalise that they make it about us, they're pulling away from us, they're in a bad mood because they're changing their mind about us or they're having an issue in the relationship. So it's those perceived changes and, you know, human behaviour. People have varying moods, people get busy or not busy. So any change that isn't just super consistent, super connected is going to make us anxious.”For me, understanding that, in the moment that I become hyper sensitive to someone’s body language or change in tone or shortness, for example, I know to take a deep breath and understand the truth which is that - my anxious attachment style is being driven by FEAR.
What triggers an anxious attachment style?
An anxious attachment style can be triggered by many things - but ultimately it is triggered by FEAR - either conscious (that you are aware of) or subconscious (that you might not be aware of, but your body is)
3 Key Fears Driving Anxious Attachment
Dr Tari explains “One of the fears that are driving the anxious attachment is the concept of:
-“I care about this person more than they care about me”
-”They’re never going to love or like me the way that I do about them”
“I think they might prefer someone else and leave”
If you take that further, it’s really about feeling abandoned. So, one of the key fears is a fear of abandonment. A fear that they could leave at any minute, that they could change their mind about the relationship. A lot of people talk about feeling out of sight, out of mind. You might not trust that their feelings for you are going to sustain in the same way that yours sustain and continue when you’re not with him or her.
Another fear is that either you’re too much for someone or you’re not enough. For example:
-”They’ve changed in mood because I was too overdramatic”
-”I shouldn’t have opened up because that was too intense”
-”I’ve pushed them away”
If you take that further, it’s a deep seated belief that you aren’t loveable just as you - and that you need to be a specific way to receive love from someone. A third one is again, this is a deep seated fear that you are not lovable. So many human beings fear that as someone gets to know you more, they won’t love you and they’ll leave. For people that struggle with this, I’d advise looking into the defectiveness schema. It’s very interesting to see how this underlying belief can form and then shape everything that we know about ourselves, the world and our adult relationships.It’s also good for people to understand that it doesn’t have to be just one of those fears - it can be a combination of them.”
If you feel triggered, what should you do?
We discuss this with an incredible root cause health practitioner, Sarah Murphy, in Episode 40 of the podcast, linked here for you.
For me, it’s so helpful to understand that when your anxious attachment style gets activated, or you get triggered, your nervous system gets activated due to the FEAR you are experiencing. What this means is that emotional wounds that you have experienced in your past also get activated. You start to feel the physical and mental repercussions of that.
For me, it can be a very physical experience. You might get a tight chest, a feeling of butterflies. You might feel sick. Your instincts are to message the other person for reassurance.
When it happens to me, I sit down and I will talk to myself.
First up, I will put my phone down and I won’t message him because I learnt about the 30 - 90 second rule by a Harvard Brain Scientist which is that if you can just wait 30 - 90 seconds the vast majority of the emotion will start to pass through your nervous system, so you are less likely to do anything you regret.
In those moments, I put my hand on my chest and say “OK, this feels horrible, I feel like I’m going to be sick, I feel like I’m going to die - whatever” - it doesn’t matter how dramatic it is. Just break it down. This event happened, and it made you feel like X, Y or Z. This is when I like to acknowledge the fear, so you can objectively reassure yourself - it’s most likely that this isn’t what’s going on, and it’s your fear of A, B or C driving this.
For me, I then decide if it is the right time to share it with my partner, or whether I can regulate myself and let the experience pass without pushing it onto them. Dr Tari agrees. She suggests “allow yourself time to become calm, and when you talk, you can share your experience. This isn’t to say “don’t do it again, you need to be available to me 24/7”, it’s to say “this is what happens for me, and I want you to know what happens so you can understand me”. It’s an ongoing conversation and it’s not their responsibility to be checking in with you to make sure you feel OK. That’s your work to do.”
Does my partner mean to make me feel this way?
In some more damaging and toxic relationships, perhaps, but on the most part, it is unlikely that your partner is actively intending to hurt you.
Something that I also found really useful is a quote from Brene Brown which is “always assume positive intent”. It’s something that has stuck with me because most people aren’t actively trying to hurt you. If your partner isn’t texting, assume positive intent. Assume they’re busy. Assume they’re in a meeting. If they had a bad day, assume it’s about something else, not about you. Assume nothing has changed.
This is the smallest step to start changing those neural pathways in your brain. If you are anxiously attached, you’ll always start jumping to the worst conclusion. The thought processes you have the most frequently become stronger because they are the ones that are hardwired into your brain. By choosing positive activity, it starts to change this pattern.
Dr Tari explains that ”Relationships are going to contain periods of uncertainty and ambiguity. You can’t have reassurance on tap all the time. It’s a feeling of safety you need to find within yourself. This is where talking about the issue can really help - having that conversation can make you feel like you’re not alone.
Dr Tari and I are going to put together an incredible workshop on how to manage an anxious attachment style. This will involve things like understanding your activating behaviours, what your protest behaviours are, what your triggers are etc. When you understand the triggers, protests and activating behaviours, you have even more power to stop your anxious attachment. Join the mailing list to receive first access to the course when it goes live!
For now, just know that you’re not alone. This is something I’m working on right now, with the guy I’m dating. I’m very communicative, I have a hundred thoughts a minute, and can be quite an anxious person. He’s the opposite. He doesn’t communicate much, he’s very calm and he doesn’t say much at all. Dr Tari has helped me realise that it’s definitely my work to do, but it is something that we need to work on together.
She said to me that “The guy you’re dating needs to also learn about you and maybe communicate a little bit more than he naturally would sometimes just because he knows that helps. It doesn’t mean he has to change who he is, or how he shows up, but you need to work together. Just as you’re leaning into learning how to self soothe and to correcting the stories that your anxious attachment is telling you, he can lean into a bit more communication.”
It isn’t for your partner to reassure you constantly, but also you don’t need to deal with it on your own. It’s about meeting in the middle. The end goal is that you work on your attachment style so that person’s changes in mood or general personality don’t trigger you.
Guys, I hope this is helpful. The podcasts have got the most insane feedback, I hope you enjoy them.
For Part 3 of our anxious attachment series, head here. We discuss how and when you should communicate your anxious attachment style with a partner.
Love Louise x
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You just read Part 2 of the Anxious Attachment Series.
Want more help on your anxious attachment style?
For PART 1 of the Anxious Attachment Blog Series, we discussed what is an anxious attachment style, how does it develop and what are the foundations that you need to understand in terms of starting to work through it. Head here for that article.
To read Part 3 of the Anxious Attachment Blog Series, head HERE where we discuss whether you should communicate this to someone you are dating, or to your partner, as well as how soon into a relationship or dating experience to do this.
To read Part 4 of the series, head HERE where I give you a full script of how to explain to your partner, or the person you are dating, what an anxious attachment style is, what it makes you feel and how they can help you to work towards being and feeling more securely attached.
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Interested in the OPENHOUSE Podcast and want to go deeper with Dr Tari Mack and Louise Rumball on your daily healing girl walk?
You can find Episode 38 HERE https://www.thisisopenhouse.com/podcast/anxious-attachment-style and
Episode 39 HERE https://www.thisisopenhouse.com/podcast/anxious-attachment-style-part-2
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Connect with OPENHOUSE: @OPENHOUSELIFE
Connect with Dr Tari Mack on IG : @DRTARIMACK
Connect with Dr Tari Mack on TikTok: @DRTARIMACK
