The 4 antidotes to conflict that will ensure your relationship thrives, not dies
by Louise Rumball
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One of my favourite things I have learnt from Dr Tari Mack is that “Conflict should make you stronger as a couple, not weaker”. This went against everything I knew about conflict from my own lived experience - I sat somewhere between thinking that “Fighting was a normal part of a relationship” or that “Fighting pushed me further from my partner, inevitably falling out of love a little bit, whether you were or were not consciously aware of it”
Deep diving in the therapy room has taught me that conflict isn’t to be feared and avoided and we shouldn’t be treading on eggshells and suppressing our emotions, thoughts and feelings. When we learn how to communicate and meet in the middle, conflict can inevitably turn into communication - and then growth. And, as Dr Tari says, “communication makes you stronger”
In our last blog post - The 4 conflict styles that will predict a relationship break down before you do - we discussed the 4 key conflict and communication traits that are understood to be key indicators for divorce and relationship breakdown.
In this blog post, we talk about the 4 antidotes.
As a reminder from the last blog, the 4 conflict styles most likely to predict relationship breakdown (according to research completed by the Gottman Institute) were 1] Criticism, 2] Contempt, 3] Defensiveness and 4] Stonewalling. Head over to the blog post linked above for a re-cap on what they exactly are and how they show up in a relationship.
Now, let’s look into how to handle these situations if they do arise in your relationship.
1/ Criticism - in the moments that criticism appears when we see red, we need to remind ourselves that criticising attacks our partner to the core of their being and doesn’t help advance the situation. We are only criticising because we are hurting and/or feeling something often too overwhelming to process. It’s good to ask yourself:
what do I feel
what do I need
what can my partner do to help at this moment?
…and then communicate our frustrations this way. Avoid using the term ‘you” - [i.e. YOU did this, YOU made me feel that]. This will help us avoid projecting our anger or frustration onto the character of our partner with a critical attack.
Try ‘I have spent a lot of time alone recently. I think I need some quality time and some reassurance, perhaps we could go for a walk this afternoon, just us, no phones’’
rather than
‘all you do is work, you are so selfish and so horrible to be in a relationship with’
Remove the blame, no matter how angry, upset or frustrated you are.
2/ Contempt - contempt often shows up as the physical manifestations of a relationship - the eye-rolling, the laughing, the mocking or the sneering, as well as sarcasm, name-calling, etc.
Whilst easier said than done, the main antidote to contempt is building up an atmosphere of gratitude for your partner, and your relationship as a whole, so you can approach frustrating situations with a generally positive attitude. It’s important to start to focus on this from the beginning of a relationship otherwise it is easy to see how this builds up over time into a situation that is just not reversible.
If these moments of contempt do happen, ask your partner to highlight them to you - so you can bring awareness to the situation.
It’s also good to understand the psychology behind things like ‘eye-rolling’ and the ‘defensive laugh’.
Caitlan Moran wrote in her novel, How to Build a Girl - that cynicism is the armor built over scars of disappointment. The armor helps you stand up to being ignored, discredited, dehumanized, snubbed, humiliated, or betrayed again. Eye-rolling is a physical representation of cynicism - as is the more defensive behaviour such as laughing, mocking or sneering - and in the moments that it happens - ask yourself - why am I hurting and when did I hurt like this before?
Instead of eye-rolling when your partner lets you down, check in with yourself then communicate how you are feeling.
“I am so excited to move to our new home. I can’t believe it’s really happening! I understand you have been busy lately and you have a lot on at work, but you keep saying you will call the removal men to book them and you haven’t. I am worried that if you don’t, we may not be able to get our movers of choice. Would you be able to make sure you do that this week and let me know when you’ve done it?”
Here, this is delivered with respect, love and understanding - rather than derogatory terms sneering and eye rolling.
3/ Defensiveness - when we want to jump into self-defence mode, it is good to understand that this is because we are trying to protect ourselves and get out of the way of a potential attack (that we often feel is unjust or unwarranted) and turn the situation around on them.
The first stage to stopping being defensive is to understand why we do it. Defensiveness is when we try to counter or deny criticisms in areas in which we feel sensitive. For many, this is a way to emotionally protect ourselves. Our brain instinctively kicks into "fight or flight" mode when we think we are in trouble, which can lead to overwhelming emotions like anger and anxiety
The antidote to being defensive is to acknowledge the sensitive area, and then try to accept responsibility, even if for only part of the conflict, rather than pushing back.
Try ‘You’re right, sometimes I do get really drunk with my mates when I go out and then I’m late to meet you. I will take more care in future and avoid meeting people before we have something planned so I don’t put you in that situation again. I’m sorry“ rather than “You’re so dramatic, what the f*ck is wrong with you”
4/ Stonewalling - finally, the antidote to stonewalling is understanding why our body is so good at disassociating, disconnecting and walking away from conflict when it arises. We also need to acknowledge how this can hurt our partner. Finding a therapist and going to therapy can be particularly helpful to help you understand how and why our conflict styles developed - as they very often tie back to chidhood. Like with many things, this awareness is the foundation of change, development and essentially, life advancement.
For those who stonewall, or who have partners that do, understanding that it is a physiological response (stress hormones increase, heart rate increases, our body tightens up) and then they want to disconnect from these feelings, is a good way of understanding why the stonewalling happens - essentially to avoid having to feel this intense response or emotional situation.
Therapy will help in these situations to start to gently understand how this coping style developed and why the individual finds conflict so overwhelming.
However, the top tips for dealing with stonewalling when it arises is:
Acknowledging the situation [or listening to a partner when they tell us it is happening]
Take a moment where you acknowledge
Taking some time out to focus on soothing our nervous system, before turning to re-engage in the discussion
A break should last at least 20 minutes to give our body the chance to re-regulate
