The 4 conflict styles that will predict a relationship break down before you do
by Louise Rumball
I wanted to know how you guys felt about conflict, so I asked you using Instagram Polls.
68% of you said you HATE conflict, with just 32% of you being of the ‘let’s GO!’ mindset and, interestingly, 54% of you said that you had been in a relationship that involved fighting and screaming (which, if we compare the data sets, means that a good number of those would have found these relationships really uncomfortable)!
In our recent podcast episode analyzing all things Teddy & Faye from Love Island and their recent bout of toxic conflict (click here to listen on Apple Podcasts and here on Spotify), Dr Tari explained to me that there is something called ‘The Four Horseman’ and that these 4 key behavioural traits were confirmed by The Gottman Institute to be the key indicators for divorce in couples. Wild.
Give me 30 seconds of your time today and I guarantee your relationship might just get sronger. Awareness is key, remember.
Ok - what are the 4 conflict styles that will predict a relationship break down before you do?
1/ Contempt - this is THE single greatest predictor of divorce. Wild.
It means treating someone with disrespect and often shows up in physical body language - mocking them, using sarcasm, making fun of them, calling them names, mimicking them or eye-rolling, scoffing or laughing. Contempt makes the partner feel worthless and despised and can be a quick-fire way to predict the end of a relationship as the actions assume a position of moral superiority over the other.
2/ Criticism - criticising your partner directly is different to voicing a complaint because the direct criticism is an attack on your partner and the core of their character and being. When you criticise your partner, you are dismantling their whole being. Here’s an example:
Complaint - “You always leave your laundry everywhere and never hang up your wet towels. It’s so annoying!!!!”
Criticism - “You are so lazy and such a slob when you leave your laundry out and wet towels on the bed. Why are you so useless?
Criticism in a relationship doesn’t necessarily mean it is doomed to fail but it is good to understand how pervasive criticism in the long term that reappears with greater & greater frequency and intensity can lead to contempt and an increased likelihood of relationship breakdown.
3/ Defensiveness - we have all been defensive at some point or another over time. Instead of reversing blame, changing the power dynamic in the situation or focusing on why the situation happened, it is good to consider accepting responsibility (“I said I would call the removal men and I didn’t, you’re right”), admitting fault where necessary (“I was at fault here, I said I would take this on to help you and now I have caused you more inconvenience”) and understanding your partner’s perspective (“I can understand how that made you feel and I don’t like to let you down”).
4. Stonewalling - finally, stonewalling is the fourth predictor of relationship failure or a relationship breaking down. Stonewalling is when the listener withdraws from the conversation or interaction and shuts down totally and simply stops responding to their partner either physically or emotionally. For some people, when they feel physiologically flooded by emotion or conflict, they learn to ‘disassociate ‘which can play a part in this - but remaining engaged in the discussion during a conflict sets the foundation for healthy conflict management.
Awareness is the first stage of action. Ask yourself when you may have engaged in any of the above. No judgment, no shame, just curiosity. And please have your eyes open when dating so you can catch any of these 4 horsemen if they pop up early on in conflicts or interactions. You don’t want to choose a partner with a toxic conflict style because you won’t be able to build a safe and healthy relationship with them. Don’t get so caught up in the chemistry that you ignore red flags and over look these potential relationship killers.
Interested in the antidotes to the Four Horseman and the way that you can drive unhelpful, unhealthy, and sometimes toxic conflict patterns away, so you can replace them with loving, healthy productive ones - head to our OPENHOUSE blog - ‘the four pieces of advice to help your relationship flourish when in conflict” - here.
