Just friends - or more? Exploring the science, psychology and data behind ‘just friends’
Exploring the science, psychology and data behind ‘just friends’
At OPENHOUSE, we are on a mission to develop next-generation therapy - to take you from where you are, to where you want to go. Human connections and relationship is a critical part of this - so, let’s discuss falling in love with friends and start with the two types of intimacy.
We’ve all been there. The moment when a friend gets a new partner and some tiny part of you perhaps realises you are just a tiny, tiny, teeny, tiny little bit jealous. You might be shocked, or try to ignore it, or write it off as something else, but deep down, something gets you thinking. Or it’s the friend who sticks by you through thick and thin - they see you at your worst, you celebrate your best - but one day, you realise that maybe those warm fuzzy feelings that you experience when you see them, could be something more than ‘just friends’.
For some, however, it’s the drunken night out, fuelled by alcohol, alcohol, and more alcohol that pushes a ‘just friends’ situation over the edge into an ‘oh my goodness, did we really just do that?’ moment. Cue the inevitable awkwardness the next day - and perhaps sometime thereafter.
There are two types of intimacy, and getting to know these can help us to understand how some people really do fall in love with their friend.
Different types of love - friendship-based intimacy vs. passion-based intimacy
Relationship scientists (Berscheid, 2010; Guerrero & Mongeau, 2008) believe that there are two types of intimacy.
Friendship-based intimacy is an cognitive AND emotional experience comprising:
Psychological interdependence
Warmth; and
Understanding
It’s a more companionate love that nurtures long-term intimate bonds and relationships.
The other type of intimacy is passion-based intimacy which is predominantly an emotional experience made up of:
Romance
Positive arousal; and
Often sexual relationships
So that’s all there is to it?
Not quite. In Dr. Sternberg's theory ‘The triangulation of love’ he takes this and builds on it further - believing that the concept of love is made up of three components:
1. Intimacy - which involves feelings of closeness, connectedness, and bondedness (think the friendship-based intimacy)
2. Passion - which involves feelings and desires that lead to physical attraction, romance, and sexual consummation (think passion based intimacy); and
3. Decision/commitment - which involves feelings that lead a person to remain with someone and move toward shared goals
What this is saying is that, in either situation requires a decision or commitment to commit to the type of love, whatever it is that you are experiencing - and that it is important to recognize that a relationship based on a single element is less likely to survive than one based on two or more.
Ok, so back to falling in love with a friend
Very often, things start because we fancy someone else.
This sexual desire that gets a relationship moving is both well understood, and very well studied, - but it is also well understood that two people can become friends, develop a deep friendship-based intimacy and then begin to experience sexual desire at some future point in time and build a passion-based intimacy too.
This is known as being ‘bi-directional’.
Irrelevant of how your relationship starts, there is the potential that it can develop into both a passion-based, or intimacy-based relationship - or, in an ideal world, both.
Let’s get into the science - the big bad study
A huge study was conducted and published in the academic journal Social Psychology and Personality Science where they studied data from 1,897 participants over 18 years. This was absolutely fascinating.
From studying these people over a very long time, their conclusions were that romances where partners start out as friends rather than strangers or acquaintances are more likely to actually be the rule than the exception in romantic relationships.
*mic drop*
Let’s go into this a little bit deeper
The key takeaways
The key takeaway points from the study were that:
Two-thirds reported that their current or most recent relationship began as a friendship;
Interestingly, that rate jumped up to 85% among 20-somethings and LGBTQ+ participants; and
Nearly 100% of participants did not enter the friendship with romantic intentions. Finally, what is even more interesting - is that it took;
On average 12 - 24 months for these friendships to turn into something more.
What can we take away from this? Without generalising too much, we can summarise that “Most people don’t mean to fall in love with their friend - but a vast number of relationships start this way”.
But, there’s a but.
The big but is that this study was in 2007.
Since then, we don’t have up-to-date statistics on this sort of study in 2021 and we can’t help but wonder ‘has this situation changed?’
Whilst dating apps have exploded onto the scene, we also have spent the last 18 months locked inside our houses in a pandemic. Is this more likely to lead to people deepening connections with people they already know, rather than developing relationships with new people - or has the surge in dating apps actually led to an increase in people going straight into dating, rather than getting to know someone first?
‘I fancy my best friend’ - ok, let’s get into the looks of it
A study in 2015 (so, much more recently) found that the more dissimilar couples were on ratings of physical attractiveness, the longer the couples had known each other prior to entering a romantic relationship.
What that means is - the longer you are friends with someone, the more likely you are to enter into a relationship with them even if they are a different level of ‘attractiveness’ to you - and you will be likely to be less concerned about how they look physically.
On the flip side, if you are on an equal footing in terms of attractiveness with your friend - you may be likely to transition your friendship into something more physical, quicker.
This supports the understanding that, perhaps, the more you get to know someone, the more that their traits and personality become as attractive, if not more so, than just what they look like.
Let’s go deeper
Why falling in love with your friend might actually be a good idea
The slow burn vs. falling in love quickly is something often discussed by myself and Dr Tari on the OPENHOUSE Podcast.
We often talk about the potential dangers that come with jumping into hot, heavy and fiery relationships from Day 1. They feel so good, but those charged with sexual chemistry, passion and sometimes even obsession, are often those that should be viewed as ‘red flags’. The reason for that is because, when people jump into something physical before exploring the emotional and getting to know the other, this increases the risk of discovering incompatibilities, and dissimilarities between personality styles, temperaments and values, amongst other things.
By that point, it’s potentially too late. We are already way on our way to being invested in something, or at the very least tangled up in something, that might be hard to unravel.
This was confirmed by a research study that looked at 137 couples who were married or cohabiting. They looked at how quickly their relationship started, how similar their personalities were and the quality of their relationship - and the found that the couples who “fell in love at first sight” did indeed develop a romantic relationship more quickly, but actually exhibited more dissimilarity in their personality-styles.
Falling in love quickly vs. falling in love slowly
The study found that the people who fell in love quickest were actually most different in terms of their:
Levels of emotional stability
Their levels of autonomy and independence; and
Their introversion and extroversion levels (although it’s good to know that the introvert/extrovert split did not demonstrate a lower relationship quality so isn’t necessarily an indication of potential failure).
With regard to the slow friendship burn, scientists note that these characteristics set out above influence the quality of marriage and relationships because unlike things like physical appearance and attraction - understanding the temperament and personality of a person takes time.
It takes time to get to know someone and, more often than not, we know our friends very well.
What these studies imply are that partners who get to know each other gradually are no doubt better able to work out the different personality traits and dispositions between the two people, and are often in a good position to decide whether a particular person is really a good fit.
In lay man’s terms - you’re less likely to jump into bed with them, and more likely to really step back and think - how is this going to work in practice?
If you jump right into something, you often have not fully analysed or even understood the other person - thus perhaps increasing the likelihood of this compatibility appearing further down the road.
The OPENHOUSE Podcast - Jason & Chrishell
On the OPENHOUSE Podcast, we most recently discussed the interesting relationship pairing between Jason Oppenheim and Chrishell Stause from Selling Sunset. They have entered into a romantic relationship after being friends and co-workers for many many years.
In this recent episode, we explored the psychology of an unlikely pairing and how they went from friends to more. We wanted to know if it was a good idea for Chrishell to ‘fall for’ her friend and why had this not happened sooner?
We also looked at the other side of the issue which is that - it is important not to just settle into relationships with people that you feel comfortable with, or that knows you well and loves you for you, when there may be something else out there for you that gives you more than perhaps just the friendship-based intimacy you are happy to settle for.
Myself & Dr Tari Mack also go deeper into:
The psychology behind why no one is happy for them;
How soon is too soon to start dating again after a breakdown or a divorce;
The power dynamics of dating whilst rich, beautiful and short;
Exploring the fast chemistry blow out vs. the slow build friendship;
Why do people so often turn friendships into something more when it isn't always the best option?; and
The psychology of the unavailable man.
I also share my own personal dating stories, particularly:
What my most recent relationship taught her about finding love in unusual places; and
The importance of different sex friendships and the dangers that they bring with them.
You can find the episode on Spotify here or Apple Podcasts here.
Let us know how you enjoyed the episode and be sure to share this on social media, as well as giving us a rating and review on Apple or Spotify.
Until Then
We hope this was thought provoking. And maybe we will even say - look around.
According to the research, you might be more likely to fall in love with a friend than perhaps you ever thought.
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References / Studies
Barelds, Dick P. H., and Pieternel Barelds-Dijkstra. 2007. “Love at First Sight or Friends First? Ties among Partner Personality Trait Similarity, Relationship Onset, Relationship Quality, and Love.” Journal of Social and Personal Relationships 24 (4): 479–96. doi:10.1177/0265407507079235.
The Friends-to-Lovers Pathway to Romance: Prevalent, Preferred, and Overlooked by Science Danu Anthony Stinson, Jessica J. Cameron, Lisa B. HoplockFirst Published July 12, 2021 Research Article https://doi.org/10.1177/19485506211026992
