Why am I obsessed with him? - Exploring Daddy Issues, The Father Wound & Fantasy Bonding
For more on this topic, join Louise Rumball & therapist Stephanie Ward on Episode 86 of the OPENHOUSE Podcast linked here on Spotify and here on Apple Podcasts.
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Why am I obsessed with him? Welcome to the concept of a Fantasy Bond.
Fantasy bonding is a psychological phenomenon in which we connect with someone based on their potential, rather than who they really are. This can happen when we have unmet childhood needs, particularly related to our relationship with our father, and we expect the other person to fill that void. We place unrealistic expectations on them, imagining that they will be the solution to all our problems and make us feel loved, chosen, and complete.
This can lead us to speed up the connection with that person, even if they are not on the same page, and ignore red flags or warning signs. It's like we're living in a fantasy world, where we project our desires and needs onto the other person and avoid the reality of the situation. This can happen in romantic relationships, but also in other types of relationships, like friendships or even with celebrities or fictional characters.
Fantasy bonding can be a coping mechanism that we learned as children when we couldn't get our emotional needs met in reality. It felt safer to rely on the fantasy of a connection than to risk the pain of rejection or disappointment. However, as adults, this pattern can lead us to repeat the same patterns of attachment and disappointment, chasing after an idealized version of someone instead of accepting them for who they are.
The Fantasy Bonding Cycle
You feel a deep longing to be with them. You might feel this in your body rather than it being a logical decision. This deep longing might feel like a desperation to be with them or to make it right. You may go to great lengths to win their affection.
Because of this deep longing, you idealize them: You put the person on a pedestal and see them as perfect, flawless, and infallible from the beginning - ignoring the fact that are we are all biounique, flawed humans.
This idealizing means you create a fantasy version of them: You have an image in your mind of who this person is, which may be vastly different from who they actually are. Or maybe, you don’t know who they are just yet.
Because you idealize them, and you feel a deep longing towards them, You feel like have an intense emotional connection: You feel deeply connected to this person, even if you haven't known them for very long and you don’t know much about them at all.
Because of this deep emotional connection that you feel is real, you ignore red flags: You overlook or make excuses for behaviors that would normally be considered red flags because you are SO excited about the potential of being together. This can include ignore their flaws and limitations too: You ignore or minimize the flaws and negative aspects of their personality or behavior.
Because you ignore red flags, you imagine a future together without even thinking about the present - where the red flags should be telling you to slow down. You spend a lot of time daydreaming about a future with this person, including marriage, children, and a life together. You’re getting ahead of yourself.
Because you don’t slow down, you are thinking so much about the future that you prioritize their needs over your own: You put their needs and wants ahead of your own, sometimes to your own detriment. You get so excited about the possibility of being with them that you truly run away with yourself.
And because you aren’t living in the present, getting to know them, you believe they are the one for you without actually assessing your compatibility: You really feel that this person might be your soulmate, and that you’ve FINALLY found them.
You don’t enquire into your differences. You overlook or don’t ask about their values, interests, and lifestyles, and instead focus on what you DO have in common.
Because of all of this, you put them on a pedestal: You see this person as better than everyone else, and may even view them as a savior or hero.
You ignore your gut instincts: You ignore or dismiss your own instincts or intuition, even if they are telling you that something is off.
And all of this leads back to point 1 - a deep and desperate longing to be with them: You feel an overwhelming sense of desperation to be with this person, and may go to great lengths to win their affection.
