The Ghosting Guide - why do people ghost and how does it make you feel?
Ghosting was the topic of conversation this January, where we talk about how in today’s society, so many people are used to being ghosted and also ghosting others.
Have you been ghosted?
The OPENHOUSE Poll showed that 75% of people have been ghosted in the last year by someone they were talking to - and that 52% of people had also ghosted another person.
It’s happening a lot more than we realised but the problem is? It can really hurt.
How does ghosting make you feel?
First up, the overwhelming responses were negative - which isn’t surprising - with the first response coming in as “sad, like so so depressed” - and this person wasn’t alone. Sadness came in mixed with a whole suite of negative emotions. ‘Sad, confused and angry altogether’ and ‘unseen’ came up a lot - but they went even deeper. ‘Like I’m nothing, totally worthless’ as well as ‘inferior’ - wondering why we aren’t good enough, or whether they are dating someone else who is prettier or more attractive.
Laughingly, some responses went one step further - 'the situations made me feel like a lunatic lol’ , with another response saying “it makes me psychotic”. People explained that even if they didn’t like the person that much, it often triggered responses where they became desperate to speak to them or feeling like ’they are going to be the one who got away’ - which, after time passed, they were able to rationalise as being an anxious attachment style and fear of being abandoned.
Frustration was a big one - ‘I feel sad, but it’s more the frustration of not knowing why this is happening - particularly when we had such a good date’. ‘People should just be straight, this dating game is a horrible one, we aren’t always going to fall in love, but just be honest with me about how you are feeling’. Some responses spoke about being silenced - ‘It’s a suffocating kind of pain, where you can’t express at all, and that sort of makes it hurt more’ .
A lot of talk around respect and frustration came up - ‘I often feel really hurt to not be given the respect that I’d give to someone else. I know that people are at different parts of their journey but it seems like a level of human decency just to communicate with someone’ and another topic was frustration -
For some, a lot came up around losing faith - ‘I lose faith every time it happens, and I lose a little more faith that there is a guy out there for me’ was one response.
But for many, there were healthy understandings about the situation. One response said ‘in the past, I felt truly awful, personally rejected and it was just so painful. Today, I know they’er doing me a favour by showing me the true colours’ Another response said that they felt sorry for the ghoster - ‘they clearly don’t have any communication skills or ability to deal with healthy confrontation - so it shows me all I need to know’ - as well ‘feeling sorry for the ghoster - I know that karma will level up and they will have to learn the lesson at some point'
Other people had interesting views with one person saying ‘it’s ok, it hurts that you don’t like me but it would hurt more to know exactly what you don’t like about me’.
Why did I get ghosted?
Ultimately, one of the hardest part about ghosting is that, we often never get an answer to this question, which is why ghosting can be such a painful journey that can take a while to get over - particularly if you are already battling with issues around self-worth, self-abandonment, or any type of attachment trauma.
We asked people to honestly admit why they ghosted someone, and this is what they said…
"I wanted to avoid confrontation" - the break up conversations or the conversation around why I am not into them, or feeling them, is insanely uncomfortable. You know it’s going to upset them (especially if they’re interested) and it’s just such an awkward conversation to have. It just feels easier to phase it out and hope that they feel the same over time and get the hint, without having to have an awkward conversation.
“I got the ick” - he turned up to a date wearing just the worst outfit ever. I know this is more of a reflection on me that something so silly could turn me off so easily (working on it), but I got the ick - and you can’t really text someone saying that you absolute hate the way that you dressed and that they were wearing a trainer shoe that looked like he had been wearing it for the last 17 years? This guy had money, I am honestly not sure why he looked homeless but it wasn’t working for me and so I just went for the slow phase.
I was into her, but like, not that into her” - I had a good time with her, but life is busy and then Christmas hit and we just sort of stopped talking. Well, actually, I didn’t reply to her last message, so I guess I did ghost her. I don’t really know - I guess life got in the way and I think if I was really interested, I would be more interested in speaking to her,
“I thought it would hurt them less” - I honestly thought ghosting would hurt him less than just telling him that I’m just like, kinda not that into him. Like, there is nothing majorly wrong with him, I just like don’t really love a couple of things about him and it didn’t feel like the right fit. Having a specific conversation about the faults of a person, or things that I didn’t like, felt like it was just mean and quite painful - and I didn’t want to lie, so, it just felt easier to ghost him I guess.
“They didn’t deserve a message from me” - he really wasn’t getting the hint, and started to be quite abusive. At that point, I realised that it was healthy and safe for me to set my own boundaries and I didn’t have to explain myself to anyone. They wouldn’t take no for an answer, so I just stopped replying - it was as simple as that.
“The thought of having that conversation me feel even more overwhelmed” - dating someone who I guess was a good guy just actually made me realise that I wasn’t over my ex boyfriend and I probably shouldn’t be dating. It made me really overwhelmed to think about having that conversation, and because we had only gone on a date once, I just thought it was a less intense way of just not hanging out again.
“Because I could tell they weren’t into it either” - I actually think ghosting at the very initial stages of dating is quite normal (particularly with dating apps, etc). I went on a date with a girl and we had an ok dinner but it was quite clear that there probably wasn’t anything else there. I waited for her to message me to thank me for buying the dinner, and she didn’t, so I guess that was it. We both ghosted each other with a mutual understanding that neither of us were that interested.
“I couldn’t put my finger on what it was I didn’t like - and that is hard to explain” - sometimes I just think that something isn’t quite there and it doesn’t mean that they aren’t nice, or kind, or attractive. It’s just really hard to say that I’m not feeling this when you can’t put your finger on the emotions, so I guess I just decided not to have the behaviour
“I will always ghost if they demonstrate completely unacceptable behaviour” - at this point, for me, it feels justified. Why do you owe something to someone that acted unacceptably on a date? He got super drunk and was talking about things I really didn’t agree with and about awful things about him and his ex-girlfriend. It made me realise I wanted nothing to do with him and it just didn’t feel like I owed him an explanation after his behaviour.
“Because dating apps normalise it” - I know it’s not great, but it’s the truth. The fluid nature of dating apps mean there are so many people and so many of them you don’t know, or don’t know anything about. It’s super easy to connect and have some good initial convo but then it fades out if you aren’t both ready or able to meet up. I got ghosted by a guy that I was connecting really well with - and I asked him if we could meet - and he said he was going through that, and then he didn’t reply again. I had to take it at face value, it’s just what happens with dating today.
Dating apps might normalise ghosting, but for the most part, we don’t support it. It is a sign of a poor inability to self-regulate, a lack of ability to communicate with another around an uncomfortable situation, and / or a lack of respect for others, their emotional journey, and the pain they might cause others.
So if you’re going to do it? Don’t.
