The Honeymoon Guide - how to keep your relationship alive
Louise Rumball asked our Head Psychologist, Dr Tari Mack, all about how to keep your relationship alive and how to keep the romance alive for the long term.
Here is what she said.
Avoid or offset the Four Horseman - the 4 communication styles that kill a relationship
In our recent podcast episode analyzing all things Teddy & Faye from Love Island and their recent bout of toxic conflict (click HERE to listen on Apple Podcasts and HERE on Spotify), Dr Tari explained that there is something called ‘The Four Horseman’ and that these 4 key behavioural traits were confirmed by The Gottman Institute to be the key indicators for divorce in couples. Wild.
Ok - what are the 4 conflict styles that will predict a relationship break down before you do?
1/ Contempt - this is THE single greatest predictor of divorce. Wild.
It means treating someone with disrespect and often shows up in physical body language - mocking them, using sarcasm, making fun of them, calling them names, mimicking them or eye-rolling, scoffing or laughing. Contempt makes the partner feel worthless and despised and can be a quick-fire way to predict the end of a relationship as the actions assume a position of moral superiority over the other.
2/ Criticism - criticising your partner directly is different to voicing a complaint because the direct criticism is an attack on your partner and the core of their character and being. When you criticise your partner, you are dismantling their whole being. Here’s an example:
Complaint - “You always leave your laundry everywhere and never hang up your wet towels. It’s so annoying!!!!”
Criticism - “You are so lazy and such a slob when you leave your laundry out and wet towels on the bed. Why are you so useless?
Criticism in a relationship doesn’t necessarily mean it is doomed to fail but it is good to understand how pervasive criticism in the long term that reappears with greater & greater frequency and intensity can lead to contempt and an increased likelihood of relationship breakdown.
3/ Defensiveness - we have all been defensive at some point or another over time. Instead of reversing blame, changing the power dynamic in the situation or focusing on why the situation happened, it is good to consider accepting responsibility (“I said I would call the removal men and I didn’t, you’re right”), admitting fault where necessary (“I was at fault here, I said I would take this on to help you and now I have caused you more inconvenience”) and understanding your partner’s perspective (“I can understand how that made you feel and I don’t like to let you down”).
4. Stonewalling - finally, stonewalling is the fourth predictor of relationship failure or a relationship breaking down. Stonewalling is when the listener withdraws from the conversation or interaction and shuts down totally and simply stops responding to their partner either physically or emotionally. For some people, when they feel physiologically flooded by emotion or conflict, they learn to ‘disassociate ‘which can play a part in this - but remaining engaged in the discussion during a conflict sets the foundation for healthy conflict management.
Awareness is the first stage of action. Ask yourself when you may have engaged in any of the above. No judgment, no shame, just curiosity. And please have your eyes open when dating so you can catch any of these 4 horsemen if they pop up early on in conflicts or interactions. You don’t want to choose a partner with a toxic conflict style because you won’t be able to build a safe and healthy relationship with them. Don’t get so caught up in the chemistry that you ignore red flags and over look these potential relationship killers.
Interested in the antidotes to the Four Horseman and the way that you can drive unhelpful, unhealthy, and sometimes toxic conflict patterns away, so you can replace them with loving, healthy productive ones - head to our OPENHOUSE blog - ‘the four pieces of advice to help your relationship flourish when in conflict” - here.
How to communicate better
Now, let’s look into how to handle these situations if they do arise in your relationship.
1/ Criticism - in the moments that criticism appears when we see red, we need to remind ourselves that criticising attacks our partner to the core of their being and doesn’t help advance the situation. We are only criticising because we are hurting and/or feeling something often too overwhelming to process. It’s good to ask yourself:
what do I feel
what do I need
what can my partner do to help at this moment?
…and then communicate our frustrations this way. Avoid using the term ‘you” - [i.e. YOU did this, YOU made me feel that]. This will help us avoid projecting our anger or frustration onto the character of our partner with a critical attack.
Try ‘I have spent a lot of time alone recently. I think I need some quality time and some reassurance, perhaps we could go for a walk this afternoon, just us, no phones’’
rather than
‘all you do is work, you are so selfish and so horrible to be in a relationship with’
Remove the blame, no matter how angry, upset or frustrated you are.
2/ Contempt - contempt often shows up as the physical manifestations of a relationship - the eye-rolling, the laughing, the mocking or the sneering, as well as sarcasm, name-calling, etc.
Whilst easier said than done, the main antidote to contempt is building up an atmosphere of gratitude for your partner, and your relationship as a whole, so you can approach frustrating situations with a generally positive attitude. It’s important to start to focus on this from the beginning of a relationship otherwise it is easy to see how this builds up over time into a situation that is just not reversible.
If these moments of contempt do happen, ask your partner to highlight them to you - so you can bring awareness to the situation.
It’s also good to understand the psychology behind things like ‘eye-rolling’ and the ‘defensive laugh’.
Caitlan Moran wrote in her novel, HOW TO BUILD A GIRL - that cynicism is the armor built over scars of disappointment. The armor helps you stand up to being ignored, discredited, dehumanized, snubbed, humiliated, or betrayed again. Eye-rolling is a physical representation of cynicism - as is the more defensive behaviour such as laughing, mocking or sneering - and in the moments that it happens - ask yourself - why am I hurting and when did I hurt like this before?
Instead of eye-rolling when your partner lets you down, check in with yourself then communicate how you are feeling.
“I am so excited to move to our new home. I can’t believe it’s really happening! I understand you have been busy lately and you have a lot on at work, but you keep saying you will call the removal men to book them and you haven’t. I am worried that if you don’t, we may not be able to get our movers of choice. Would you be able to make sure you do that this week and let me know when you’ve done it?”
Here, this is delivered with respect, love and understanding - rather than derogatory terms sneering and eye rolling.
3/ Defensiveness - when we want to jump into self-defence mode, it is good to understand that this is because we are trying to protect ourselves and get out of the way of a potential attack (that we often feel is unjust or unwarranted) and turn the situation around on them.
The first stage to stopping being defensive is to understand why we do it. Defensiveness is when we try to counter or deny criticisms in areas in which we feel sensitive. For many, this is a way to emotionally protect ourselves. Our brain instinctively kicks into "fight or flight" mode when we think we are in trouble, which can lead to overwhelming emotions like anger and anxiety
The antidote to being defensive is to acknowledge the sensitive area, and then try to accept responsibility, even if for only part of the conflict, rather than pushing back.
Try ‘You’re right, sometimes I do get really drunk with my mates when I go out and then I’m late to meet you. I will take more care in future and avoid meeting people before we have something planned so I don’t put you in that situation again. I’m sorry“ rather than “You’re so dramatic, what the f*ck is wrong with you”
4/ Stonewalling - finally, the antidote to stonewalling is understanding why our body is so good at disassociating, disconnecting and walking away from conflict when it arises. We also need to acknowledge how this can hurt our partner. Finding a therapist and going to therapy can be particularly helpful to help you understand how and why our conflict styles developed - as they very often tie back to chidhood. Like with many things, this awareness is the foundation of change, development and essentially, life advancement.
For those who stonewall, or who have partners that do, understanding that it is a physiological response (stress hormones increase, heart rate increases, our body tightens up) and then they want to disconnect from these feelings, is a good way of understanding why the stonewalling happens - essentially to avoid having to feel this intense response or emotional situation.
Therapy will help in these situations to start to gently understand how this coping style developed and why the individual finds conflict so overwhelming.
However, the top tips for dealing with stonewalling when it arises is:
Acknowledging the situation [or listening to a partner when they tell us it is happening]
Take a moment where you acknowledge
Taking some time out to focus on soothing our nervous system, before turning to re-engage in the discussion
A break should last at least 20 minutes to give our body the chance to re-regulate
2. Discover each other’s attachment styles.
Attachment styles are the way that we attach to others. As a child, our caregivers (ie. normally our direct parents) are our first teachers and the way that they treated us during those formative years bends and shapes how we show up later in life, particularly in dating and relationships.
The way we attach to another is the way that we perceive emotional intimacy (do we crave it or are we scared of it?), handle conflict (do we love it or do we hate it?), communicate our needs (do we communicate or do we stonewall and go silent?) and more. Attachment styles become the foundation in which our relationships are built on so understanding the attachment styles is critical (they are avoidant, anxious, disorganised and secure).
Secure attachment style (the kind, reliable one)
Often good, calm and kind in conflict - not scared of it, but not revved up by it either
Have healthy relationships with their partner and those around them (they don’t get super anxious, or very needy)
More trusting and forgiving and more balanced in their approach to relationships
Strong at communication - they are able to communicate their needs in the relationship and also listen and respond to their partner’s needs
Often more empathetic and present
In a secure relationship, there is less likely to be big arguments, jealously, insecurity, etc.
Avoidant attachment style
This person hates the thought of commitment and it makes them feel uncomfortable
They often prioritise their own independence over their relationship
They often go quiet, don’t text back, then re-appear and don’t like to depend on anyone
They are not good with expressing their emotions and often they are more likely to connect with you intellectually or over shared interests
They might feel aloof, hard to pin down and often not able to hold space for you when you need them emotionally as it makes them feel uncomfortable
In dating we often see the anxious avoidant trap, when an anxious attachment style chases an avoidant attachment style.
Anxious attachment style:
Much more preoccupied with the other person in the relationship, how they are doing and if they are going to leave
Often driven by a fear of abandonment, rejection or lack of love
Unlike the avoidant, they express needy behaviours, like reassurance and frequency and consistency (sometimes too much)
Often high conflict individuals and take things very personally
Can often become enmeshed or codependent on their partner, very reliant on them and not great at being or surviving on their own
Disorganized attachment style:
This is a complex approach where the above styles are mixed - someone can swing from anxious to avoidant but often can do it with anger, aggression and substance abuse issues (because they are numbing childhood trauma)
Often they don’t feel that they are worthy of love so they push it away at all costs
They are unlikely to feel comfortable in, or want a stable relationship, because it feels so foreign to them
Once you have established your own attachment style, and that of your partner, it can help you truly be able to communicate and better understand why the other person is that way and what you can both do to have a better relationship.
3. And discover your love languages together so you can both feel most loved!
It’s important that you feel loved and cared for in a relationship. The way that you do this, or want it done to you, is known as love languages.
Sometimes love can sometimes get lost in translation when two partners speak different love languages and this is what sometimes happens when someone is desperately trying their hardest to love the other person but they’re just not feeling it.
The five love languages are the five different ways of expressing and receiving love to each other in a relationship.
They are:
words of affirmation - saying or hearing how much your partner loves you
quality time - spending time alone, just you two
receiving gifts -
acts of service - helping with things that need doing, like taking the bins out, or cooking; and
physical touch.
4. Take active efforts to ensure you are both seen & appreciated - increase your communication
Communication is always important - but particularly as you think the honeymoon phase might be ending, communication becomes more important than ever because this is going to make or break what happens next in your relationship.
It’s important to set aside some time every single week to promote radical transparency in your relationship - discuss exactly what has happened that week, how it has made you feel and what you need from the other person.
Radical transparency can be approached gently but as a very powerful communication tool to ensure both people in the relationship are seen and appreciated.
Keep these open conversations going - but also remember not to let the gratitude for your partner slip whilst doing it.
“Couples who don’t feel seen, or people in relationships who don’t feel appreciated, they don’t FEEL DESIRED and they don’t FEEL DESIRE. Make sure that you're really mirroring back to your partner what you appreciate about them, and what you find attractive about them. This communication around what you appreciate them is really important, and should outnumber any negative and constructive criticism”
5. Understand that your sex life may slow down, but good sex over the long haul comes down to good communication
It goes without saying that “Things slowing down in a relationship is normal, but things don’t have to become boring.”
Communicate with your partner what you’re open to trying in bed and what you need more of. Ask questions like - what do you like most about our sex life? What do you like least? Do you feel like our sex life is boring? If you have that foundation of friendship, you can talk about anything. You can talk about the reality of the relationship and the reality of the relationship is not always going to be pretty. It should always be respectful but it's not always going to be exciting - you've got to talk about what the relationship needs to be able to hold the truth.
The more you talk about what you want, or what you want to try - the more likely you are to keep the fire alive”
6. Maintain separate friendships and separate hobbies outside of the relationship
“It’s good to have separate friendships and separate hobbies. You need to have your sense of self in the relationship. If you don't, it becomes a very codependent relationship where you have to be together all the time and you kind of lose your own identity. And that? It’s NOT SEXY. That is not going to keep the spark burning. You're not going to have any time to miss each other, and you're not going to have that connection to yourself which is the most important part.
If you want a long-term relationship, you have to make sure that you're nurturing a relationship with yourself too, and your partner should support that.
Know yourself in a relationship. Know yourself outside of a relationship. Communicate in a relationship. Make sure you’re working on what your values are and what’s important to you.
7. And remember - it’s never too early to start therapy
Sadly, so many people today think that therapy is for couples who have issues or who are going to get divorced. The truth of the matter is that this is actually so far from the truth.
Therapy is the most amazing open space to have someone (and an unbiased third party at that) navigate your relationship. and what is coming up for both of you, before it gets to a point where things are too damaged for you both to come back from.
Follow the above points and you will start en route to watching your relationship come ALIVE…for the long term!
Worried your honeymoon phase is ending?
In Episode 19 of the OPENHOUSE Podcast, we looked at Kourtney Kardashaian - discussing all things breakups as we shine a light on what happens when the honeymoon phase ends. We look at Kourtney’s evolution from someone who was once cold, boundaried, not very emotional and fairly private into someone who can’t stop expressing her love outwardly for her partner.
LOUISE RUMBALL & DR TARI MACK go deeper into:
What does a healthy long term relationship like?;
What to do after the honeymoon phase ends;
Therapist tips on how to keep the relationship alive;
Her experience of self-abandoning when she was younger; and
Her experience of setting boundaries, using her voice and the importance of authenticity in a relationship.
You can find the episode on SPOTIFY HERE or APPLE PODCASTS.
Let us know how you enjoyed the episode and be sure to share this on social media, as well as giving us a rating and review on Apple or Spotify.
