How to Overcome Fear of Abandonment: The 6 Stages Of The Abandonment Wound
Understanding that your abandonment wound plays a role in an abandonment cycle is a crucial aspect of the healing journey. Once you comprehend the cycle, you can begin to recognize that you have the power to change it, break it, and ultimately, rewire it. Understanding the cycle can also help you gain insight into which aspects of the cycle require modification and which are doing the most damage to you, your life, and your relationships.
Before getting into the below, make sure you go back to the foundations of the Abandonment Wound in our blog post here.
The Abandonment Cycle
1. Calm/Balance/Regulation
During this phase, you and your nervous system will be likely to experience a sense of calm and safety. This is known as your 'ventral vagal complex'.
Here, if you are in good health, your nervous system will generally be in a harmonious state and you generally will not perceive any immediate threats from your surroundings - particularly if you are surrounded by safe, loving and consistent relationships. In these moments, depending on the severity of your wound, you might have fleeting thoughts of anxiety, but there is no immediate threat, and overall, you feel calm.
In these moments, you might enjoy your relationship and things are good.
2. Trigger / Fear
At this point, the abandonment cycle starts. Here, your cycle of calm is disrupted when there is a trigger. A trigger can be a small or significant event, real or perceived, often driven by a deep-seated fear. This trigger and fear disrupt the equilibrium and stability you felt previously. While triggers can vary from person to person, they are generally perceived as a threat of abandonment in some capacity.
The fear behind the trigger is different for everyone. The key fears that drive the abandonment wound encompass a range of deeply ingrained emotions. These fears revolve around the core apprehension of being deserted, left alone, and excluded, often accompanied by the fear of not being chosen, loved, accepted, or heard. People with abandonment wounds often grapple with feelings of not being in control, receiving inadequate attention, and questioning their worthiness of affection and validation. These fears extend to the worry of not being liked, valued, or needed, leaving individuals with a pervasive sense of not being treated fairly and, ultimately, never feeling truly safe in their relationships and connections. These fears are the driving forces behind the abandonment wound, shaping behavior patterns and emotional responses that can be challenging to overcome but are essential to address on the path to healing.
3. Nervous System Dysregulation
In reality, this might feel like your chest tightening, your heart racing, and a surge of restlessness coursing through your body. Your mind can become engulfed in a whirlwind of anxious thoughts, making it challenging to think clearly or rationally. It's as if your amygdala, the brain's emotional center, has taken control, prompting you to react instinctively rather than thoughtfully. Meanwhile, your hypothalamus is sounding the alarm by releasing cortisol, the stress hormone, intensifying your emotional turmoil.
The disruption in neurotransmitter balance further complicates the situation. Serotonin, which typically contributes to feelings of well-being and happiness, takes a nosedive, while GABA, responsible for calming the nervous system, becomes less effective. This imbalance magnifies your anxiety, making impulsive reactions more likely as you desperately seek relief from the overwhelming fear and unease. Understanding these physiological responses is crucial in the journey to healing abandonment wounds, as it enables individuals to gain control over their emotional reactions and work towards breaking free from the cycle of abandonment.
4. Protest Behaviors
In response to the dysregulation, you may engage in conscious or subconscious behaviors to seek attention or reassurance from the person involved or others. You might try to pull them closer to you in an attempt to prevent feeling 'abandoned'. Alternatively, you might withdraw from them as a reaction to the trigger, thinking that if they are going to abandon you, you'll make it happen first to protect yourself. We'll delve into coping mechanisms and protest behaviors later in our Ultimate Guide to healing the abandonment wound.
5. Reconnection
At times, you may reconnect with your partner or the person you are dating in the moment, and this can help alleviate the situation. In other instances, you may have to wait for a while. Once the threat of abandonment diminishes or is resolved (often through the soothing presence of another person), your nervous system begins to regulate itself again. The sense of connection is reestablished, and you can return to a state of calm and balance. However, the issue here is that, before healing your abandonment wound, you are relying on someone outside of yourself for your safety and stability, rather than finding it within you. This means that you never truly achieve a sense of inner safety or stability. This is not a long term solution to healing your abandonment issues.
6. Regenerate
At this stage, you might feel the need to mend and strengthen your relationship or connection because the abandonment cycle can have a detrimental impact on the bond you share. It's crucial to put in the effort to restore a sense of calmness and stability in your relationship, as the abandonment wound frequently disrupts these essential qualities. You also may harbor concerns that the cycle is not entirely resolved, and the fear of potential abandonment still lingers. While you may start to calm down, you might not yet feel completely secure.
Can you heal abandonment issues and the abandonment wound cycle?
Absolutely. Healing your abandonment wound is a transformative journey that can lead to a happier, calmer, and more stable life. Recognizing the signs and acknowledging the impact of your abandonment issues is the first step towards positive change, alongside the cycle you have been running for a long time. It's important to remember that you don't have to navigate this path alone.
If you're ready to take the next steps toward healing, consider seeking professional guidance. Our ultimate healing from Abandonment Guide, based on the proven 1-on-1 exercises used our OPENHOUSE therapist, Stephanie Therapy, can provide you with the tools and support you need to heal your abandonment wound.
By addressing and healing these wounds, you can break free from the cycle of fear and insecurity, allowing you to form healthier relationships, find love, and ultimately lead a more fulfilling life. Don't let the fear of abandonment hold you back any longer; start your healing journey today.
