The 10 signs you might be settling in your relationship
By Louise Rumball & Dr Tari Mack
In Episode 9 of the OPENHOUSE Podcast, we discussed Jason & Chrishell from Selling Sunset and whether Crishell is settling by dating Jason - someone she works with and has known for years. You can find the episode on Spotify here or Apple Podcasts here where we discuss the psychology of settling and so much more.
Are you settling in your relationship?
Have you ever wondered if you are settling in your relationship? We’ve all been there. The moment when we ask ‘is this it, am i settling?’ For some of us, we know deep in our soul that the person we are with is the person we are meant to be. For others? That feeling isn’t so clear - and when it isn’t clear? Things can get confusing. Truly understanding whether you are settling in your relationship is hard.
At the beginning, we often idolise the other person we have met, or are with. It feels like we have waited so long for this moment - particularly when we have gone through bad relationships previously. We have such intense thought patterns and feelings around the other person that we become psychologically and biologically smitten. Our bodies release all sorts of hormones, chemicals and neurotransmitters that literally scream at us (this feels so good, stay close, stay close!). Initially, we see the best in each other. It’s exciting, fun, sexy and we certainly can’t keep our hands off each other.
However, as we start to ground and things become more steady, we start to exit the honeymoon phase. This is when reality starts to settle in and we start to ask - am I settling in this relationship? Perhaps we have our first conflict, we start to see that we hold different thoughts, opinions and feelings about different things. We start to see the patterns, wounds and triggers of the other person - and everything becomes a little more ‘real’ and a little less ‘I’m so fucking in love with you’.
This is a natural part of a relationship evolution - but as the honeymoon phase starts to reduce in intensity, sometimes it is tempting to finally take a second to ourselves and think - is this it? Is this what I waited my whole life for? Is this the person for me?
Particularly in a sea of endless options, it’s hard to sometimes assess whether the person you are with really is Mr or Mrs Right, or whether they are perfect for just right now.
Is he the one for me? How to know if you are settling.
Here are 10 therapist backed signs that you might be settling for someone you like, but you don’t love
1.You are afraid you won’t find someone else
Often we overlook issues and red flags in a relationship when we are worried that we may not find someone else. We stay when we should leave. There may be issues with communication, connection, intimacy or your sex life - or issues about nearly anything - but the thought of leaving makes you balk - particularly when time is passing and you are not as young as you used to be. In fact, this pressure can become further exacerbated when friends and family around you start to get married and settle down - only adding to the pressure that you need to follow suit and do what they are doing.
If we are functioning from a place of scarcity or a fear-based mindset (I’ll never find another relationship) (I’m getting too old to do this again) (he/she is good, but is there really anyone better?) (what will people think of me if I don’t do this?) or a fear of being alone - then we may often find ourselves staying in a situation with someone who isn’t the optimal person for us to be sharing our life with, just purely because we don’t want to risk not doing things in the way that we are supposed to.
Dr Tari, relationship expert and clinical psychologist, explains that ‘if you have not yet developed a full and loving relationship with yourself and only feel complete or credible when you’re in a relationship and/or following the timelines of others then this is a big warning sign that you have some inner work to do. Staying in anything out of fear is a clear indicator that this may not be an aligned partnership ’.
2. They tick some boxes, but not all of them
As we get older, we start to sober up to the fact that it is quite unlikely that a Prince in shining armour is going to come and rescue us from the mundanity of day to day life. We are, in fact, all human, with our own stories, lived experiences and emotional journeys baggage. No one is perfect.
As we get older, and perhaps wiser, (as well as coming into contact with a vast number of people who are exactly what we don’t want to be with) we may start to think that it is not going to be possible to meet someone who ticks ‘all of our boxes’ and so perhaps we should settle for someone who ticks ‘most of them’. Perhaps your partner is kind, caring and sweet - but you don’t have the sex life you want. Or, alternatively, they’re reliable, stable and would be a great dad to your kids - but they don’t have the fun, zest for life and adventure that you desperately crave from your partnership.
Staying with someone because they tick ‘some’ boxes is a form of settling and, in some cases, may work - however, the question is - how impactful are the boxes that they don’t tick? What is going to happen in 1 / 5 / 10 years time when these missing areas are bigger than ever?
3. Your gut intuition is often trying to tell you that this is not the relationship for you
In today’s society, disconnected from our bodies and sometimes even the more spiritual parts of us, and society, we often ignore the niggles in our head and our stomach and the conversations that our body is trying to communicate to you.
They say that the gut never lies and these niggles, feelings and flashes of clarity may be telling you that this isn’t the right relationship for you.
However, many of us choose not to listen to this, or push the feelings down deeper, deeper and deeper in the hope that they might just go away.
If your gut is talking to you, it is likely a sign that this is not an aligned relationship for you and there is something else out there for you that could make you feel so much better, happier and more loved - even if you don’t know when or where you may find it.
4. You are afraid of hurting the other person if you leave, so you stay
Often we also find ourselves scared to leave because we don’t want to hurt the other person or the person that we have spent so long with and experienced so much with. Perhaps we hate conflict, don’t know how to communicate our needs or there is too much invested in the relationship (think shared property, dog, children, etc) that it makes it feel almost impossible to go backwards. The thought of hurting the person who has been by your side throughout so much seems almost too much to bear.
When this happens - Dr Tari lets us know it’s a call to look inwards. ‘Often your ability to communicate your boundaries is related to your self esteem, or lack there of it? Often putting the needs of another before your own happiness is a sign that you are not in a fully aligned relationship’
5. You wonder if you’re settling and often fantasize about leaving or fantasise about another person
Whilst opportunity and temptation may be likely to arise at points even in the most long term and stable relationships, if you find yourself fantasising about another, dreaming about leaving a relationship and being on your own or with another person this is another sign that you may be settling with your current partner.
Often when this happens, or even before this happens, (whether we vocalise this to another or not) we find ourselves asking ourselves whether we are settling and whether this is the right person for this.
If you have asked yourself this question, or are thinking about another, it is perhaps a sign that there may be another out there for you.
6. You feel unhappy, unfulfilled or disconnected from your partner a lot
Often you can feel lonely a lot even though you’re in a relationship - particularly when there is a lack of physical or emotional connection and intimacy.
These are critical components of a longstanding, long lasting, deep and intimate partnership / bond and without these, it is possible that you may be settling with someone who is not able to connect with you in the way that most fulfils you.
7. You don’t feel emotionally safe in your relationship
Emotional safety is a critical component of a relationship - both when conflict is on the table, and outside of conflict. If you find yourself dating an angry and aggressive partner, or you often find yourself tiptoeing around your partner to avoid conflict or avoid a situation repeating, this is a red flag that you are not able to live authentically and speak your truth in this relationship as your partner is not providing an emotional space for you to express your needs, wants and opinions.
8. You aren’t having much sex, intimacy or emotional connection and that bothers you or - alternatively - you don’t feel like having sex with your partner
Sexual connection, intimacy and emotional connection (such as navigating the bad time together, plus sharing deep seated fears, worries and concerns, as well as hopes and dreams) is a critical characteristic of a successful and healthy partnership that is meant for you. If these are not present in your relationship, or you are not interested in being intimate or sexually connected with your partner, then it may suggest there is a disconnect between the two of you. This, of course, can often be attributed to other behaviour - but is also often a sign that you are settling with someone who doesn’t set your world on fire.
9. Your partner continues to display bad behavior that you continue to tolerate
Bad behaviour can take all types of forms but is often most noticeable in terms of lying, withholding information, cheating, a bad temper, anger issues, lack of follow through, lack of consideration of your needs and feelings, defensiveness, lack of accountability, as well as abuse (verbal, emotional, psychological or physical).
Whilst conflict can be expected in relationships, if the above bad behaviour is present on more than one occasion and you tolerate the behaviour and allow it to continue, this is a sign that this is not a healthy, boundaried and caring relationship and you are almost certainly settling with someone who is not treating you in the way that you deserve to be treated.
10. You feel you are the only one putting in effort to deepen the relationship to address issues and make the relationship better
Often feeling like a relationship is ‘one sided’ or that you are the only one putting in any event can be a red flag because identifying tension and working through conflict is a critical component of a healthy relationship. This can be particularly visible if your partner refuses to get couples therapy with you despite recurring conflicts about the same things with no resolution (i.e issues related to trust, communication, respect, money, family, values, etc).
Alternatively, if you are made to feel that the problems in the relationship are always your fault then this is a big red flag. Alternatively, if your partner does not take responsibility for his/her part in any issues and problems and rarely, if ever, apologizes if they’ve done something to hurt you, this is a sign that you may be settling. You deserve to be with a partner who takes accountability and responsibility for their actions, as well as deserving of a love that ticks ALL of the boxes - and more!
The OPENHOUSE Podcast with Louise Rumball
In Episode 9 of the OPENHOUSE Podcast, we discussed Jason & Chrishell from Selling Sunset and whether Crishell is settling by dating Jason - someone she works with and has known for years.
Louise Rumball & Dr Tari Mack go deeper into:
The psychology of dating a friend;
The psychology of ‘settling’, biological clocks and societal pressure;
How soon is too soon to start dating again after a breakdown or a divorce;
Why do people so often turn friendships into something more when it isn't always the best option?; and
The psychology of the unavailable man.
Louise also shares her own personal dating stories, particularly:
What her most recent relationship taught her about falling in love with a friend;
The importance of different sex friendships and the dangers that they bring with them.
Let us know how you enjoyed the episode and be sure to share this on social media, as well as giving us a rating and review on Apple or Spotify.
You can find the episode on Spotify here or Apple Podcasts here.
To book a discounted relationship reading with Dr Tari Mack, head to http://drtarimack.com/
In this reading you will discover:
-Your Unconscious Attraction
-Your Relationship Blindspots
- Exactly What Your "Work" Looks Like
- How You May Be Using Outdated Coping and Protective Strategies from childhood that push away love instead of calling it in and allowing it to grow.
Quote OPENHOUSE for a discounted session that might just change your life!
