A message for Kim Kardashian - why the ‘work harder’ message is psychologically damaging

Kim - The ‘just work harder’ is particularly damaging for anyone with a heavyweight inner critic

Kim -  a focus on external metrics of success will never make us happy

We all have an inner critic that lives inside of our head - one that quietly, or in more extreme cases, loudly - shouts at us that we aren’t good enough and should be doing better. This inner critic is actually a primitive survival mechanism that tries to help us to change in order to survive and succeed.

This critic first shows up in childhood, although we usually only become more aware of it later in life. Whether you were parented by emotionally or physically unavailable parents, or were one of many siblings, for many of us, our family of origin and family dynamics may have pushed us to believe that we were more likely to receive attention, love and recognition from our caregivers if we performed well, impressed them and showed them that we are worthy.

What this means in practice is that, from a very young age, many of us have been functioning under the belief that if we can just be a little bit more, do a little better, or strive a little higher, we would be more liked, more accepted and more loved by those around us.

For those with a strong inner critic in adulthood, we often find ourselves constantly striving for something outside of ourselves. The result? Our self worth gets tied to something ‘out there’ rather than ‘in here’ and this is where Kim Kardashian’s comments only further perpetuate an already dangerous cycle. She suggests that just gritting our teeth and ‘working harder’ is the answer to our problems.  

The problem, however, is that a focus on external metrics, productivity, output and results (whether they’re how well you’re succeeding at work, in your love life, or more) detracts from a focus on our emotional health and our five core emotional needs.

These five core emotional needs are a secure attachment to others, freedom to express ourselves, a clear sense of identity, spontaneity and fun as well as realistic limits and self-control. It is when we meet these core emotional needs that we are most likely to be peaceful, content and happy - something that no amount of work, money or success can buy.

The risk of always looking outward towards the next achievement, promotion, money milestone or goal post, is that we likely overlook our fundamental emotional needs. Kim’s comment reinforces the challenge that so many of us focus on today - that worthiness is generated outside of us. 

Working harder and making more money may, in the short-term, provide us with a hard hit of dopamine and other feel-good neurotransmitters, but, over the long term, as the hormones wear off, this validation will too - and will likely be left feeling unfulfilled, longing for more and sometimes a little bit empty.

So while we may think that we need more success, more money, or more accolades - what we really need is to focus on our own emotional needs and generate our own internal worthiness and validation from within.

And once we do that? External success and validation can be the cherry on top of the cake - making life even more shiny and exciting.

Thank you Kim for this gentle reminder.