A guide to getting over shyness
How to be more outgoing starts by looking inwards, rather than outwards at the situations and people that make you feel nervous.
Being shy has foundations of feeling self-conscious…
In psychological terms, being shy has foundations of feeling self-conscious, suffering from low self-esteem and holding a fear of judgment and rejection. For many, people that are shy feel uncomfortable in social situations because they are concerned that they are being judged against those around them, which in turn drives a constant level of anxiety. This often drives people to stay inside of their comfort zones and not to meet new people.
Make new friends and relationships
For those that want to start being more outgoing and make new friends and perhaps relationships, the journey to confidence starts by looking inwards. The reason for this is that our childhood (the years when we pick up the vast majority of our social programming) sets the foundations for who we become in adulthood. So, having low self esteem or feeling self conscious likely originates from childhood. Exploring this can be an interesting exercise to help you understand that shyness is not necessarily something you were born with - it is often something that happened that shaped you! Did you experience an event at school or in the family home that made you feel embarrassed for speaking up or acting as your true authentic self? Did you get laughed at at school and shamed in the playground? Did you get bullied? Did you grow up in a family or school unit where your voice was not appreciated or valued, a sibling was the star of the show and you learned to stay quiet and alone? Looking backwards can often help us understand how our childhood shaped our personality traits in adulthood and how they show up in day to day life.
Go to therapy to explore these traits
Going to therapy is a great way to start to explore these traits that drive being shy or less confident in social settings. Once we have this understanding that others shaped us, rather than being born that way, we can start to work on rebuilding a belief that you are a wonderful, kind, interesting, person that people are interested in. This is often a slow process as we focus on re-programming our brain wiring that holds these beliefs. Repetitive affirmations can help - as well as leaning on those we love. Ask your close friends and family to send a list of the top characteristics that they love about you, and condense and compile these as the foundations for daily reading or affirmations. Understanding that others are interested in you and care about what you have to say can set the foundation to understand that others do too - you might have just not met them yet!
Get out there, start small
When you are ready to get over the hump and get out there, start small. Tell your close friends that you want to try to be more outgoing and you are keen to meet more people and spend more time with them and wider networks of people. Ask your close friends if they have any events or social occasions that you could join them at. They will be a good judge of character to help you identify key events that might be a good fit for you, and where like minded people that you may get on with, may also attend. If you feel unable or nervous to commit to a whole event, agree to just drop in quickly and say hi! Feeling like you have control over when you can engage in an event and when you can leave can help reduce anxiety around a social situation.
When you find yourself talking to new people that you don't know well, take a deep breath to calm your nervous system and, if necessary, put your hand on your chest - which gives a silent signal to your brain that you are connected and safe. Smile. Reflect on what you might have in common with the people you are meeting. Be curious about them. Ask them questions, be genuinely interested in what they have to say and remind yourself that your story and your experiences are equally important. Soften your self-criticism where possible and remember you are loved and worthy just the way you are, and those around you are likely to be interested in you too!
Ultimately, this shift will happen over time, but conscious commitment to the practice of showing up as your authentic self, is a great place to start.
