How To Heal Abandonment Issues And The Fear Of Abandonment
Have you ever felt like everyone in your life is going to leave you sooner or later? That no matter how close you get to someone, they will eventually walk away? Do you constantly worry that when someone doesn't text you back, they may have changed their mind? Do you find yourself pulling people close to you to ensure you feel safe and reassured, so they won't leave?
Alternatively, do you push people away to shield yourself from potential hurt? If any of these feelings resonate with you, you might be grappling with what therapists refer to as an "Abandonment Wound." It's important to note that you don't necessarily need to have experienced a significant abandonment event to develop one.
What is the Abandonment Wound?
The Abandonment Wound is a deep emotional scar that many of us carry, often formed during our formative years or as a result of traumatic experiences. It refers to the psychological impact and patterns of behavior that stem from a conscious or subconscious, deep-seated fear or belief of being abandoned or left alone. What's crucial to grasp here are the words, "psychological impact".
When we talk about the psychological impact related to the abandonment wound, we're referring to how feeling abandoned or being alone in the past affects our emotions, thoughts, and actions in the present. It's all about how something messes with our mental and emotional well-being. This includes how certain events, experiences, or situations can change how we think, feel, and act, as well as how we connect with others around us. It shows up differently for everyone, but one thing is the same – it almost always impacts our relationships.
It can manifest in various ways, affecting not only our relationships but also our overall emotional well-being. Whether you lost a parent at an early age, experienced the pain of a loved one walking out on you, or grew up with a lack of consistent emotional connection, these experiences can leave lasting wounds that impact our lives dramatically.
In this blog post, we'll explore what abandonment issues are, identify common signs of an abandonment wound, and discuss the importance of healing this wound to find love, build meaningful relationships, and live a happier, calmer, and more stable life.
What Actually ARE Abandonment Issues / the Abandonment Wound?
Abandonment issues, or the abandonment wound, stem from the fear of being abandoned or rejected by those we care about. It can result from various early-life experiences, such as:
Losing a parent: The death of a parent during childhood can create a sense of abandonment, as a child might feel that their parent "left" them, even if it was not intentional.
Loved ones walking out: Whether it's a partner, friend, or family member, when someone we trust suddenly leaves our life, it can leave a profound emotional impact.
Inconsistent caregiving: Growing up with unstable caregivers, like nannies or babysitters who change frequently, can make it challenging to form secure attachments and lead to abandonment issues.
Emotional neglect: Being emotionally dismissed or shut out by someone you love can leave you feeling isolated and unimportant.
Sensitivity to rejection: Sometimes, abandonment issues can develop without a specific traumatic event. Some individuals have a nervous system that is more sensitive to rejection and abandonment, making them more prone to these fears.
What’s important to remember is that you can be abandoned emotionally OR physically as a child - it doesn’t have to involve someone walking out on you.
What people don’t know about The Abandonment Wound
What is often misunderstood is that the abandonment wound typically takes hold during the preverbal stage of life, emerging in the early years before you, as a child, even acquired language skills. It often (but not always) starts before the child even has the ability to articulate and describe what they are experiencing, which is why as adults, it can be challenging to put into words the way that it feels.
While everyone's childhood experiences are unique, there is a common thread when it comes to the abandonment wound.
It typically arises from either repeated instances of inconsistent support that left us feeling alone, abandoned, and isolated, or from a significant experience that deeply affected us and overwhelmed our nervous system.
It's crucial to acknowledge that the abandonment wound does not require physical abandonment by a parent to develop. It can stem from various forms of emotional or relational experiences that instill a fear of abandonment within us, even if we are not consciously aware of it.As we run through some of the reasons how this wound forms, ask yourself if any of these seem or feel familiar to you.
15 Signs You May Have an Abandonment Wound
Fear of Rejection: You often find yourself concerned about people leaving your life, even when there doesn't seem to be a clear reason for it. You might be consciously or subconsciously aware of this. You might feel like you respond to small cues with big reactions, or you may be sense shifts in energy and changes in behavior, actions, and responses from the people closest to you.
Needing Reassurance: You need reassurance repeatedly from the people around you that everything is ok, they're not mad at you, and they're not angry at you. This reassurance works in the short term but sometimes not in the long term.
Overdependence on Others: Your emotional well-being may often depend heavily on the support of others, making you feel vulnerable when they are not around.
Never feeling 100% safe: You may feel uncomfortable and not safe and stable in your own nervous system or life, constantly feeling a little on edge or anxious that something might happen.
Trust Challenges: You might encounter difficulties in trusting others, occasionally harboring doubts about their intentions or loyalty but also difficulties with trusting them about their word and that they really say what they mean.
Jealousy and Possessiveness: At times, your need to feel safe may become possessive and jealous, fearing that someone else might take your place in someone's life. This comes from a place of needing safety but it shows up as emotionally unhealthy behavior.
Striving for perfection: You frequently aim for perfection as a way to avoid potential rejection or criticism. You may feel like if you are 'prettier' or 'more handsome,' then someone will be more likely to stay with you and love you, pick you and choose you.
Alternatively, Emotional Avoidance: Depending on how your abandonment wound shows up, there are times when you may steer clear of forming close bonds with others to shield yourself from the prospect of abandonment.
Emotional Turbulence: Your relationships may be marked by intense emotional highs and lows, causing emotional turbulence. You feel safe when someone is close.
Difficulty Expressing Needs: You may find it challenging to openly communicate your needs and desires within your relationships.
Overdependence on Others: Your emotional well-being may often depend heavily on the support of others, making you feel vulnerable when they are not around.
Self-Isolation: There are moments when you withdraw from social interactions as a means of safeguarding yourself from the possibility of abandonment.
Constant Monitoring: Excessively checking your partner's location through their phone or tracking apps.
If you said ‘yes’ to any of the above statements you could very well have an abandonment wound that needs to be addressed! Failure to do so could lead to self-sabotaging love, pushing people away without meaning to, avoidance of intimate relationships, isolation, unhappiness, loneliness, and so much more. That’s because an abandonment wound often leads to a prolonged sense of emotional isolation that women, and men, then attempt to cover up and overcompensate for every day in their romantic, platonic, and professional lives! Nobody should have to go through life that way.
Can you heal abandonment issues?
Absolutely. Healing your abandonment wound is a transformative journey that can lead to a happier, calmer, and more stable life. Recognizing the signs and acknowledging the impact of your abandonment issues is the first step towards positive change. It's important to remember that you don't have to navigate this path alone.
If you're ready to take the next steps toward healing, consider seeking professional guidance. Our ultimate healing from Abandonment Guide, based on the proven 1-on-1 exercises used by therapists like Stephanie Therapy, can provide you with the tools and support you need to heal your abandonment wound.
By addressing and healing these wounds, you can break free from the cycle of fear and insecurity, allowing you to form healthier relationships, find love, and ultimately lead a more fulfilling life. Don't let the fear of abandonment hold you back any longer; start your healing journey today.
