Chemistry or Compatibility?

Are you tired of feeling like you've found "the one" only to have things fizzle out after a few dates? Do you find yourself constantly chasing that feeling of intense chemistry, but never quite finding a lasting connection? Does it feel good so you think this has to BE good? If so, you're not alone! It's time to learn the difference between chemistry and compatibility - and it’s something we were never taught at school.

First up, chemistry. It is that electrifying feeling you get when you first meet someone. It's the butterflies in your stomach, the racing heart, and the inexplicable desire to be close to them. It's what makes you feel like you're on top of the world, like you've found someone who just "gets" you but the truth is - this is happening at a chemical level within you. When we talk about chemistry, we are actually referring to the release of certain chemicals in our brains that cause us to feel attraction and desire. The three main chemicals involved in this process are dopamine, oxytocin, and serotonin but adrenaline and other chemicals play a part too - as well as your vagus nerve (tht connects from your brain to your gut) that wakes up to say hello.

Compatibility, on the other hand, is not chemistry. Compatibility the foundation of a healthy, lasting relationship. It's what allows two people to share a life together, to support each other through thick and thin, and to grow and evolve as individuals and as a couple.

So, what's the difference between chemistry and compatibility? Simply put, chemistry is about attraction, while compatibility is about alignment.

Chemistry is a spark that can ignite quickly and burn brightly, while compatibility is a slow-burning flame that grows stronger over time.
Chemistry feels amazing but doesn’t mean that the relationship will BE amazing.
Chemistry doesn’t last forever, but compatibility does.

Here are some key differences between chemistry and compatibility:

1. Chemistry is based on physical attraction, while compatibility is based on shared values and interests.

2. Chemistry is intense and often short-lived, while compatibility is steady and enduring.

3. Chemistry can make you overlook red flags and warning signs, while compatibility allows you to see your partner clearly and make informed decisions about your future together.

4. Chemistry can be exciting and addictive, while compatibility can be comforting, safe and grounding.

So, how do you know if you have chemistry or compatibility with someone? The answer is simple: time. At OPENHOUSE, we are obsessed with pacing because pacing allows you to truly work out how you feel about someone, as well as learning about their truth.

For more on Pacing, you can head to Episode 30 of the OPENHOUSE Podcast on this with Dr. Tari Mack & Louise Rumball

Chemistry can be felt almost instantly, while compatibility takes time to develop and can only be truly assessed through shared experiences and conversations.

If you're feeling that intense chemistry with someone, it's important to take a step back and assess whether you also have compatibility.

Here are 15 questions to ask about whether you are compatible with your partner, even if the chemistry is misleading you into thinking so:

Now, let’s get into the 12 signs of compatibility that Dr. Terry has taught me:

1. Similarity in relationship goals: The first and most important sign of compatibility is having similar relationship goals. It’s important to ask your partner what they’re looking for in a relationship right off the bat. Don’t be afraid to ask! It’s better to know early on if your goals align than to waste time with someone who isn’t looking for the same thing as you.

2. Shared values: You and your partner don’t have to agree on everything, but it’s important to share similar values. This includes things like morals, ethics, and beliefs. This can also cover religion, politics, money, etc. Have these conversations the sooner the better!

3. Communication styles: You’ve heard it before: communication is key. But what’s equally important is having compatible communication styles. Some people are direct, while others are more indirect. Some people need space to process, while others need to talk it out right away. Understanding each other’s communication styles can help you avoid misunderstandings and conflict.

4. Conflict styles: conflict is inevitable in any relationship and if done in a healthy way, should actually bring you closer together in the long run. It’s important to have a partner who is able to handle conflict in a healthy and productive way.

5. Emotional intelligence: Emotional intelligence is the ability to recognize, understand, and manage your own emotions, as well as those of others. Having a partner who is emotionally intelligent can lead to a more harmonious relationship. Are they able to connect with their emotions, how they feel, how you make them feel - the good and the bad? Comprehend that and then communicate it outwards?

6. Mutual respect: Respect is a two-way street. It’s important to have a partner who respects you and your opinions, just as you should respect them and theirs.

7. Shared interests: It’s not necessary to have all of the same interests, but having shared interests can lead to a more fulfilling relationship.

8. Sexual compatibility: Let’s face it, sex is important in a relationship. It’s important to have a partner who shares similar desires and preferences in the bedroom.

9. Similar lifestyles: Having similar lifestyles can lead to a more compatible relationship. This includes things like eating habits, exercise habits, and social habits.

10. Financial compatibility: Money can be a major source of conflict in a relationship. It’s important to have a partner who shares similar financial goals and habits.

11. Independence: Lastly, it’s important to have a partner who is independent and can maintain their own sense of self within the relationship.

12. A respect for each other just the way you are? Without wanting to change the other.

So, remember, chemistry is important, but it's not everything. Don't get caught up in the excitement of a new connection without taking the time to assess your compatibility. By focusing on both chemistry and compatibility, you'll set yourself up for a healthy, fulfilling, and lasting relationship.