Ask A Therapist - The break up hurts so much, does this mean that I should get back with them?
Hi friends, Louise here, founder of OPENHOUSE and the queen of painful break ups.
For me, I’ve been there. When the pain is so bad when you’re going through a break up, or you can’t stop thinking of them, or all you can think about is getting back together with them, sometimes it can wipe you out totally.
It can make you bereft. You are broken and I think that sometimes you think that the severity of that pain essentially means that this break up shouldn’t have happened, that you shouldn’t feel this way, and that, ultimately, you need to get back together with them.
I know that this is how I felt. I had never experienced anything like it. I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t sleep, I lost a stone in two weeks. It was so bad, I was dreaming and having nightmares of him every night because the break up came as such a shock.
All I could think was ‘this must mean I am meant to be with this person if it hurts this bad’.
Ask A Therapist
I wanted to ask Dr Tari here thoughts on this - that whether this amount of pain is really a messenger to suggest that the break up shouldn’t have happened?
Here is what she had to say:
‘So, I’m going to deliver this with love and my message is that you are 100% per cent wrong. You are struggling to get over somebody, and there are many reasons why it can cause you such intense emotional and physical pain, but ultimately, the pain is not coming because you are supposed to be with that person.
Remember what I said in our blog about what to do when someone leaves you? [SPOTIFY HERE or APPLE PODCASTS HERE] - you are not supposed to be with anyone who is not choosing you. You have to make yourself your home base. You have to flow with yourself, and the people that are meant for you will stick around
Physical, mental and emotional pain from a break up is to be expected. Sometimes a break up is actually even worse than grief because the person has disappeared but they are still alive - but, ultimately, my answer for you is this:
No, just because the break up hurts, does not mean you should get back with that person.
You don’t have to convince them. You don’t have to earn their love. You don’t have to explain to them why they should stick around or why they should give you a shot.
What you are in control of is understanding why this break up is impacting you so badly, as well as taking care of ourselves, healing, letting go and accepting.
For now, you have to focus on you, you, you and your own healing. No more. No less.
The OPENHOUSE Podcast with Louise Rumball
Want to hear more on healing from heartbreak from Louise Rumball, founder of OPENHOUSE and Head Psychologist, Dr Tari Mack? Head to the OPENHOUSE Podcast
Our two recommended episodes for you:
Episode 7: The 10 things I learnt in therapy that helped me navigate heartbreak - SPOTIFY HERE or APPLE PODCASTS HERE - in this episode, Louise shares the top 10 things that she learnt from therapy around break ups and how they have helped her so far.
Episode 15: Scott Disick - how to get over the breakup or person that you think you can't get over - in this episode, we looked at Scott - discussing all things breakups as we shine a light on what we know Scott Disick might be feeling. We dive into what to do when you feel like someone has got away, the different stages of a breakup and how to truly move through the relationships that we think we can never get over.
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