If you are attracted to bad boys / girls - read this - the top 6 things you need to know
The release of Jesy Nelson and Nicki Minaj’s new single, ‘Boyz’, raised questions over WHY we’re still glamourising bad boys as a society.
So, in Episode 17 of the OPENHOUSE Podcast we decided to dive into all things bad boys and look at the psychology behind the allure of our attraction to bad boys, plus why we’re likely to get bored of the ‘nice guy’.
From the cocktail of chemicals at play to an addiction that you might not be aware of, here are the top 6 things you need to know if you are attracted to bad boys / girls:
It’s chemical - dopamine and oxytocin
There are two main chemicals at play whenever you’re affectionate with somebody. Dopamine, the feel-good chemical which is released when something feels pleasurable, and oxytocin, the ‘cuddle’ chemical, which not only promotes connection but also trust (which explains why even when someone cheats on us or treats us badly that we still continue to trust them.)
In a relationship with a bad boy / girl we are constantly seeking the next fix of oxytocin and dopamine - trying hard to get them back, keeping us in a relationship which we know is toxic but feels SO DAMN GOOD.
2. Intermittent Reinforcement: once you get the hit, you’re chasing the high
In addition to the chemicals at play, you’re likely attracted to bad boys / girls because of an addiction to an intermittent reinforcement schedule.
What is intermittent reinforcement? Head Psychologist, Dr. Tari Mack, explains: “Think about a rat in a cage, in a scientific experiment - intermittent reinforcement means the rat pushes the lever and no food pellet comes out, they push the lever again and no food pellet appears. After pushing the lever 12 times, a food pellet finally comes out, so…they keep doing it.
The rat knows at some point they're going to get more food, but they don't know when and it’s the anticipation of it which keeps them pressing. And so, part of the addiction / attraction to bad boys is chemical, part of it is emotional, part of it is psychological.”
So, next time you find yourself with a bad / boy girl, recognise that your brain actually becomes conditioned to their inconsistent, non-committal behaviour. Through this conditioning, we’re constantly waiting until our next hit of dopamine and oxytocin to make us feel good again.
3. If you’re going for someone who is into danger - there is some part of you that likes this hormone and cocktail hit
Many of us find ourselves habitually repeating patterns within the relationships we seek out. If you’re often searching and choosing to be romantically involved with someone who is reckless or dangerous, there’s likely a part of you that finds this rush of dopamine and oxytocin pleasurable.
Founder of OPENHOUSE, Louise Rumball, shares her personal experience: “I think as someone that historically has struggled with addiction and addictive traits and tendencies, it would make sense that if I have experienced that with substances or with exercise, that the same mechanisms would be working with men.
This was so long ago, but I was talking to this guy and he was so wishy-washy and every time he messaged me, I was so happy. And then, every time he let me down, I was bereft. Now I look at that, I realise why it felt so good…because it was actually a chemical relief.”
4. If you’re chasing bad boys / girls - someone stable, regulated and non-chaotic will seem boring to you
Did you know that your attraction to bad boys could be a sign that you need to do some internal work?
With the high-highs and the low-lows of a toxic relationship all seeming so ‘exciting’, the nice guy or the self-regulated guy will seem really boring to you. In fact, if you’re going for someone erratic - it means they’re dysregulated, and chances are that you are dysregulated too.
Dr. Tari explains, “when you feel peaceful and calm that is the state in which we are most aligned. If we haven't done that work, then we are going to be attracted to people who also are not emotionally regulated. If we are not emotionally regulated, we're kind of all over the place, we act impulsively, and we can't manage our feelings, then we're going to attract other people like that. And, we're going to be attracted to other people like that. People who are emotionally regulated are going to seem really boring.”
5. You learned it in childhood
If the above sounds all too familiar to you, it is likely that this type of behaviour was normalised to you during your childhood, for example, you may have been brought up by a dysfunctional family, where there were absent or erratic caregivers. It is likely that the dysfunction, level of disconnection, and neglect you experienced as a child has led you to repeat these patterns - chasing love, working for it, and not just expecting it as given.
6. If you’re going for someone absent and hot and cold - it means they are unavailable and likely that you are too
Often when we are attracted to emotionally unavailable partners and bad bad boys, it points to a potential emotional unavailability within ourselves. If your childhood has taught you disconnection and neglect, and you find yourself attracted to men that aren’t going to get too close to you. Why is this? Because to get to close that true emotional intimacy is terrifying if we haven't experienced it in our parental relationships.
You don’t need to fight or chase love. It doesn’t need to be full of chemical hits. You need to learn to regulate yourself, your emotions - and to connect with someone else. Safety and co regulation can still be full of passion and excitement - just, potentially, without the jail sentences.
The OPENHOUSE Podcast with Louise Rumball
In Episode 17 of the OPENHOUSE Podcast, we dive into all things ‘bad boys’ and explore the psychological, emotional, physiological, and chemical reasons that underlie our attraction to ‘bad boys’ [or girls] and how it can actually be an addiction that we’re not aware of.
LOUISE RUMBALL & DR TARI MACK go deeper into:
What is intermittent reinforcement?;
The cocktail of chemicals at play;
How to break this cycle & level up to reach a new pool of potential partners; and
The angry man - and why sometimes we’re attracted to this.
Louise also shares her own personal dating stories, particularly:
Her experience of dating bad boys - including someone that later got sentenced to five years in prison; and
Why she is now not as interested by bad boys.
You can find the episode on SPOTIFY HERE or APPLE PODCASTS here.
Let us know how you enjoyed the episode and be sure to share this on social media, as well as giving us a rating and review on Apple or Spotify.
