Just friends or are we something more? Ask yourself these 10 things
By Louise Rumball & Dr Tari Mack
In Episode 9 of the OPENHOUSE Podcast, we discussed Jason & Chrishell from Selling Sunset and whether Crishell is settling by dating Jason - someone she works with and has known for years. You can find the episode on Spotify here or Apple Podcasts here where we discuss the psychology of settling and so much more.
When you build a special bond with a friend, there really is no feeling quite like it. You feel safe, you feel heard, you feel like there is always someone to turn to whenever things get tough - which, we all know that they do!
Friends are there for us through the ups and downs, there to support us through the breakups we inevitably go through - and for everything in between - but what happens when that supportive friend turns into a little something more? What happens when you get closer and closer and consider crossing the line of friendship into love, sex, romance and more?
The massive question is - are you actually in love with your friend or just looking for a romance that isn’t really, or shouldn’t really, be there?
Are you just friends or more than friends?
If you find yourself thinking about going past ‘just friends’, before crossing ‘that line’, ask yourself these 10 things to understand where you stand in the relationship:
1. Do I really want to be with them or am I lonely?
Loneliness is a killer. We live in a world busier than ever before, which sometimes distracts us from the fact that actually we are lonely AF and, just sometimes, we want somewhere there to come home to at the end of a busy day, a busy week, or a busy life.
For many people, particularly those who feel lonely or abandoned as a result of what they have gone through in their childhood or teenage years, we sometimes want someone to latch onto - which can sometimes blur our judgment when looking at the friendly relationships around us.
Being able to answer this question can help avoid both heartache and damaging a friendship further down the line. If you think you want to be with your friend just because you’re lonely...then take a moment to step back and reflect on whether you really do like them - or is this your internal coping mechanisms acting out?
If you are feeling lonely, this is a completely normal place to find yourself in. Use this time to learn to be happy on your own, use it as an opportunity to learn about yourself and experience self-growth. Look inwards and ask yourself - why can’t I be on my own? What is going on here? - and even perhaps consider getting a therapist to guide you on this journey of self-discovery.
Don’t just jump into the first relationship because you feel lonely, it’s often not the right relationship and, you know what, you deserve to be with someone you really want to be with. Don’t confuse friendship for a relationship because you’re lonely. Better things coming your way!
2. Do we share the same values?
Experts agree that sharing the same values as your partner is extremely important for couples. Why is this? Over time we all grow and change to a certain extent but the main values which we uphold never really change that much because they are so important to us and deeply engrained into who we are.
If your friend connects with you on that level, then there could be something more for you both - having mutual matching values in a relationship increases the likelihood of success.
If you’re already close friends, it’s likely that you already have similar values but do they also align in terms of marriage and family, trust and communication, love and intimacy too?
There are so many things that need to be discussed in terms of values to understand if you are well aligned as a romantic couple - or whether bridging the gap from friends to more, might just lead to destruction further down the line.
3. Do they appreciate and love me for who I am in the bad times as well as the good?
Friends are there for you through the good and the bad, however, they are more likely to see the best sides of you - the good times, the shiny times, and the highlights of life.
If you become something more, your friend is undoubtedly going to witness those moments when you have a little less patience, the moments when you’ve had a tough day and take it out on the person nearest to you - as well as guiding you through the worst things and the darkest days that might happen at some point.
How does your friend show up when things are bad? Do they support you? How do they react in conflict?
If your relationship is to turn into a friendship then you’ll need to weather difficult situations together and have each other's backs no matter what.
4. Are there things they want you to change, before you start?
If you already know that there are things you want to change about your friend, then it’s probably best to remain friends because we cannot expect our romantic partners to change for us - and any relationship where we are trying to change the other is destined to be a painful one.
Write down and take note of what already frustrates you about them - if the list is extensive, you have your answer.
As Dr Tari says - these things are only going to get worse, more obvious and more painful in a relationship where our deepest neuroses and fears are bought to the surface.
You should never enter into a relationship thinking you want to change someone. Love isn’t enough to change your friend’s nature and upbringing. Over time, it’s likely that these differences will also damage your friendship and any positive feelings you have for each other.
5. Do you understand their attachment style / love language in a relationship and how this works with yours?
A romantic relationship goes much deeper than a friendship. Do you know about their attachment style or their love language? Whilst you might be the best of friends, these things matter day in and day out in a relationship because an attachment style impacts how you connect to another person, and a love language is a way that you most prefer to show and receive love from another.
We all have our own attachment styles and love languages and these are often not things that we think about in day to day life when we are friends with someone.
If you have conflicting attachment styles or love languages, it doesn’t mean that the friendship isn’t going to work as something more, but it means that you are going to have to work harder to communicate where you are at with the other.
Are they willing to meet you in the middle and work on these areas that are going to appear when you cross the line from friendship to more?
6. How were they in past relationships? How do they treat people that they date?
If you don’t already know their attachment style or love language, reflect on how their actions were in their past relationships. What did you learn about them with their exes? Does he/she treat people on dates the way that you would want to be treated?
If your bestie follows up on their date, makes sure they get home safe and is always there when they say they will be - then it’s worth considering that there could be something more between you two in the future. On the other hand, if your bestie is ignoring their dates' messages or phone calls or more interested in one night stands - again, you’re probably better off staying friends.
7. Will we be able to go back from this? How are they in conflict and communication?
If your friendship turns into something more, there are bound to be moments of conflict. Do you think your friend is a good communicator and that you’ll be able to work through these moments and move past them?
Dr Tari always explains to us at OPENHOUSE that remaining kind in conflict is a critical part of a relationship - because conflict is inevitable, but how we deal with it, is what shows us the type of person we are dealing with.
Communication is key to a healthy relationship. Being open and honest and communicating your expectations doesn’t come easily to everyone but being able to talk to each other is really important. Without this, your relationship is likely to fail.
8. A romantic relationship is more complicated than a friendship. A friend plays a different role than a romantic partner.
You might be the best of friends but a romantic relationship gets a little more complicated than a friendship.
With the huge surge of love and sex hormones that come with being more than ‘just friends’, as well as triggering potential coping mechanisms, attachment styles and previous experiences that we have gone through, relationships can often verge into jealousy, possessiveness and heated moments if we haven’t done the work or don’t have control over what we have gone through.
Romantic relationships are vehicles for us to see the areas of ourselves that often haven’t been worked through - and they can be more triggering than a friendship.
Are you both ready for what might come up?
9. Are you willing to accept that you may never be able to be friends again?
One of the most heartbreaking things about relationships is that often when they end, despite everything we have been through, some bridges can never be re-built.
Things may be too painful for one, or both partners, to consider being friends with the person they were madly in love with.
You may want to ‘go back to how things were before because you miss your friend or the friendship you have, but the reality is, once you traverse the fine line between friendship & a relationship, you may not be able to go back.
The benefits you can gain from a fulfilling, balanced, romantic and sexual relationship can be incredible - but it is important to understand that this may need to be at the sacrifice of your friendship.
Be sure to think about the above 9 points well in advance before jumping into anything with your friend.
In an ideal world, you will be able to have a conscious and communicative discussion around the above - so that together, you can once and for all decide - should we stay as just friends, or should this be something more?
The OPENHOUSE Podcast with Louise Rumball
In Episode 9 of the OPENHOUSE Podcast, we discussed Jason & Chrishell from Selling Sunset and whether Crishell is settling by dating Jason - someone she works with and has known for years.
Louise Rumball & Dr Tari Mack go deeper into:
The psychology of dating a friend;
The psychology of ‘settling’, biological clocks and societal pressure;
How soon is too soon to start dating again after a breakdown or a divorce;
Why do people so often turn friendships into something more when it isn't always the best option?; and
The psychology of the unavailable man.
Louise also shares her own personal dating stories, particularly:
What her most recent relationship taught her about falling in love with a friend;
The importance of different sex friendships and the dangers that they bring with them.
Let us know how you enjoyed the episode and be sure to share this on social media, as well as giving us a rating and review on Apple or Spotify.
You can find the episode on Spotify here or Apple Podcasts here.
To book a discounted relationship reading with Dr Tari Mack, head to http://drtarimack.com/
In this reading you will discover:
-Your Unconscious Attraction
-Your Relationship Blindspots
- Exactly What Your "Work" Looks Like
- How You May Be Using Outdated Coping and Protective Strategies from childhood that push away love instead of calling it in and allowing it to grow.
Quote OPENHOUSE for a discounted session that might just change your life!
