Why is a Breakup Like a Drug Withdrawal?
Dealing with a breakup can be rough. My therapist taught me that in the wake of a breakup humans can experience cravings for their ex partner in the same way that drug addicts will crave a drug. But why is a breakup like a drug withdrawal? Is it possible to break the addiction?
The Science Behind the Addiction
If you use an MRI scanner to look at the brains of those going through unwanted breakups, when seeing a photo of their former partner that they want to be in touch with the same parts of the brain light up as they would if you were showing a drug addict a picture of their drug of choice, whilst they were going through the process of going cold turkey in the first few weeks. At least understanding that you are literally going through something not dissimilar from a heroin addict coming off heroin can help you understand why you feel so desperate to talk to them, and also to understand why you need to be more gentle with yourself than before.
I also thought it was really interesting to understand that the brain scanner shows that when your brain is activated in this way, we're driven as humans to find this object or substance that we're craving. This really helped me understand why, from a biological perspective, I was desperate to contact my ex, even though he clearly had no interest in contacting me.
The closest thing I got to a solution here was every time I wanted to message him, I would write the message down in the notes part of my phone. If I still wanted to send the message in 24 hours, then I would allow myself to. The interesting thing is that 99% of the time when it got to 24 hours later, I actually couldn't think of anything worse than sending him the message I wrote down. It was always highly emotional, so dramatic and was literally telling him how much I loved and missed him, and I couldn't believe that he had done this to me.
Over time, instead of just putting down sporadic messages that I wanted to send him, I also started to write down longer form thoughts and feelings about him and our breakup. It was as if I was writing a letter to him. I ended up writing it and rewriting it to the point that it became such a cathartic exercise, but it also got me out of the addiction cycle of wanting to open up a conversation with him.
I'm not sure if this will work for everyone, but for me it definitely felt like a way that I could almost engage with him without actually engaging with him.
I also know that one day, if we ever speak again, I will put all of my thoughts down on paper and we will be able to have a rational, emotionally mature and balanced conversation because I have processed everything already.
How to Break the Addiction Cycle
This brings me to my next point, which is that once you understand the addiction cycle, you can take control of it when you understand how the brain works. This relationship breakup essentially means that you're going through rejection and withdrawal. You can break this addiction cycle, not only by removing all of the stimuli that keep the cycle going, but also by objectively identifying the facts that the addiction cycle is trying to hide from you.
When my boyfriend broke up with me, he broke me even more by deleting everything that we shared together. Our shared calendars, our shared notes. All of our diary invites and events that we'd accepted together. It absolutely crushed me. And I remember walking down the street, literally bawling my eyes out on the phone to my mum.
Whilst I still think it's really cruel, I can now understand that he probably was just trying to remove the painful stimuli for himself. In today's society with social media everywhere we turn, and with our phones full of thousands of photos, videos, and memories, it feels like it's almost impossible to get rid of the stimuli, but I promise doing so will really help you.
Something that my therapist taught me is that psychologically out of sight and out of mind is actually a good thing. It allows the retrieval pathways of memories to weaken and become less accessible over time, which will mean that eventually when the memories are recalled, they won't return with such a vivid impact. Basically they won't have you crying as you walk down the street, when you look at them, I was lucky that my boyfriend was one of those people who didn’t use social media. And this, for me, was a blessing because I know from experience how much of a stalker you can become on Instagram and how it can drive you absolutely insane.
So whilst this wasn't relevant to me, if it is to you, please know that to really break the addiction cycle, you have to block them on social media. For me, breaking the addiction cycle also meant deleting thousands of photos, messages, and videos of us together, as well as working out what to do with the even more special mementos, such as the cards, letters and gifts.
I really just didn't want to break up, so I didn't want to break those memory pathways. However, I knew that deep down, I needed to work out a way to be able to function on a day-to-day basis and having all of these memories right there in my phone was not going to help me. Breaking those memory pathways helped me to get to a point where I was able to move forward.
I hope this is helpful for you if you are going through a breakup.
More Healing from Heartbreak resources:
The OPENHOUSE Podcast with Louise Rumball
In Episode 15 of the OPENHOUSE Podcast, we look at Scott Disick and discuss all things breakups, as we shine a light on what we know Scott Disick might be feeling.
We dive into what to do when you feel like someone has got away, the different stages of a breakup and how to truly move through the relationships that we think we can never get over.
LOUISE RUMBALL & DR TARI MACK go deeper into:
Why heartbreak can be worse than grieving the loss of somebody who died;
Dr. Tari’s insight into why, if there’s been a breakup, that’s a clear indication that they are not your person;
The psychology behind connection and closure - and why you do NOT need it in the way you think you do; and
How to handle unhealthy coping mechanisms and why it’s important to stay in our power during a break up.
Scott Disick’s way of moving on and why he chooses young people that are at the same emotional maturity level as him;
The different stages of a break up; and
Why a relationship is never about the other person.
You can find the episode on SPOTIFY HERE or APPLE PODCASTS here.
Let us know how you enjoyed the episode and be sure to share this on social media, as well as giving us a rating and review on Apple or Spotify.
